Problems in Hueco Mundo
by lunartick
Summary: Series of oneshots depicting the problems faced by the evil overlords of Hueco Mundo. Who ever said it's easy being evil? No pairings. Sixth chapt: Saving DIDs should never have to be so hard.
1. The path of the least bloodshed

Hi people! This fic will be a series of oneshots depicting the problems faced by the trio in Hueco Mundo. And you thought it was easy being the villain.

There are no pairings here. None that I intended at least.

Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me. And I adapted part of Winston Churchill's speech. It belongs to him, not me.

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**Problems in Hueco Mundo: What has that got to do with me? **

When Inoue Orihime had been invited… no, ordered into Hueco Mundo, the thing that had occupied her mind most was how on earth she was going to explain things to Kurosaki Ichigo and his friends. Then of course, she had been told that she couldn't really speak to Kurosaki Ichigo, so that worry became a little redundant. Nonetheless, she continued to worry about what she would say to Kurosaki Ichigo when they next met.

That was, until her attention waned, and she could no longer focus on that particular worry.

Inoue Orihime being Inoue Orihime then turned her hyperactive mind to the next worry, which was how to spend the twelve hours the nice arrancar had granted her. She really couldn't quite decide how to spend it, so she had ended up wandering around aimlessly. Innate optimism led her to decide that taking a nice, twelve hour walk was a pretty decent way to spend the time before a scary arrancar came and carried you off to the lands where all the evil witches and wizards (in Inoue Orihime's mind) lived.

In hindsight, her rational mind (or rather, what passed for a rational mind in her head) told her that floating around aimlessly was one hell of a lousy way to spend the last twelve hours of her time in the world that she belonged to. Optimism fought back hard, of course, and Optimism was pretty much the Ares of Orihime's mind, but given the situation she had found herself in at that moment, Optimism didn't count for nuts.

Grimacing, trying not to show too many signs of discomfort, Inoue Orihime squirmed.

Twelve hours! She had been granted twelve hours! Yet, never once had she thought of packing some supplies to support her during her imprisonment in Hueco Mundo!

But no! Now was not the time to be depressed about it! It was so terrible to be depressed! Depression would make her look like Kurosaki Ichigo, and while that was all right if you were male, buff and really hot, it really didn't fit the face of a sweet, young girl like Inoue Orihime!

Yet, the problem was not going away. It probably wouldn't go away for another seven days or so, and how on earth was she supposed to last till then?

With a loud grunt of encouragement, Inoue Orihime shot to her feet, her face set with pure determination. Well, even though she had been ordered to stay in her room, she wasn't going to. Rather, she really didn't have much of a choice. Her teenage female's pride was at risk, and so was her school skirt, and there was no way she was going to let either be stained.

And if she didn't want either to be stained, she would have to hurry and start looking for a way to solve her dilemma.

Cautiously, and with a little flutter of excitement, Inoue Orihime sidled up to the door to her room and pushed it open gently. Much to her amazement, there wasn't anyone guarding her room. It would seem Aizen Sousuke (the Wicked Wizard of Oz) trusted her enough to let her alone. This was very much to the advantage of the great Heroine Inoue Orihime, who would now save the day!

Biting her lower lip and giggling a little, the great Heroine slipped out into the corridor, looking up and down said corridor with a sense of trepidation in her heart. In all honesty, she really had no idea where she was going to go now, but she would venture into the wilderness of Hueco Mundo for no reason but a dim shimmer of hope visible just beyond the horizon!

Slowly, she started creeping to the left, pressing her back to the wall like she had seen in all those spy movies. A turn round the corridor revealed nothing but more rooms with locked doors. Another turn led to a dead end, and what looked like a janitor's closet (well, she supposed even arrancar need someone to clean their toilets). Backing out, she continued along her way, turning right this time and carrying on.

Suddenly, a sense of danger invaded her mind, and Inoue Orihime froze in place, staring down into the dark corridors. Something was approaching! Something evil the great Heroine much fight in order to complete her Quest! It would be a dark minion of the Wicked Wizard of Oz, a follower who would do everything in his power to stop the great Heroine! It was time to fight! It was time!

"What are you doing out here, woman?"

Inoue Orihime yelped in shock and spun around to find herself looking into the dead eyes of the dark minion, Ulquiorra. "U… Ulquiorra-san!" she screeched, clapping her hands over her pounding heart in an effort to still it.

The arrancar looked slightly taken back by her overly enthusiastic greeting, but he did little more than take an eighth of a step back. "I asked," he repeated, just in case this human was so weak she couldn't even hear properly. "What are you doing out here?"

Inoue Orihime breathed out in relief. "Oh nothing!" she cried earnestly, waving her arms about frantically. "I just needed to use the toilet! Well not really… but I most certainly thought that using the toilet would be a wonderful idea!"

The great Ulguiorra took another quick eighth of a step backwards in an effort to avoid the swinging human arms. "There is an urn provided for you in your room," he said coldly. "There is no need to search for what is commonly known as the toilet, the bathroom, the john, the gents or the ladies, for indeed, there are none."

At that Inoue Orihime lost the urge to wave her arms about. Instead, she clutched her skirt and leaned forward curiously. "Really?" she asked, beaming enthusiastically. "There are really no toilets in Aizen-san's palace?"

"Of course. Why would I lie to you?" Ulquiorra considered taking another eighth of a step back, but decided that it was too much of a concession to give to a mere human.

"Oh!" Inoue Orihime squealed. "That is so interesting! So everyone in Hueco Mundo pee-pee and poo-poo into urns? That is so cute!"

Regardless of how much of a concession that is, Ulquiorra found himself judging the dire threat to his general well-being a far greater concern than any sacrifices made on the basis of his pride, and took a full quarter of a step backwards. "Yes," he said coldly. "And thus, as I have demonstrated, there is no need for you to search for a toilet for there is none to be found. Return to your room immediately."

"Oh!" Inoue yelped. "But that wouldn't do!"

"You are in no position to negotiate with me. All you can do is say, "yes" and proceed back to your room like an obedient little dog."

"Oh no, you shouldn't say that, Ulquiorra-san," Inoue said earnestly. "Why, you would never find a girlfriend at this rate! What would Aizen-san say if he knew you weren't producing any cute little arrancar babies for him to breed into new fighting machines to destroy the whole of Seireitei?"

Ulquiorra froze, his mind working fast to locate the trick in her words. "But…" he hesitated. "Arrancar are created by Hogyoku…" He trailed off, trying to fathom the depths of her words.

"Only?" Inoue cried. "Oh, but that's so boring! You mean there aren't any adorable arrancar babies around? No toddlers? No Sweet Sixteen celebrations? No eighteenth year celebrations? No happy arrancar families?"

Another eighth of a step back. "N… none at all."

Inoue Orihime shook her head, the air of tragedy hanging like a pall around her. "That is so sad," she whimpered. "Oh my… no sweet sixteen? Tragic! Oh tragic!"

"Arrancar have no need for Sweet Sixteen celebrations or babies."

"Rubbish!" Inoue thundered. "Everyone has to celebrate sweet sixteen! It's a must! Oh, we must do something about it… but wait, my quest!"

Ulquiorra managed to stop his face from breaking into a scowl. "What quest?" he asked coldly.

Inoue Orihime took a full step back and looked the arrancar up and down critically. He really had been so sweet to her! Even though he must be so busy trying to destroy Seireitei and the whole of the world, he had stopped to have a nice conversation with her. All the facts he had told her about Hueco Mundo were so interesting! Surely, the Heroine could trust this dark minion!

"It's like this, you see," she said earnestly. "There is something I need to… survive."

"We have been feeding you."

"Oh, not food! It's something else quite entirely!" Inoue paused and tried to think of the best way to explain it to him. "You see… there are a lot of things I forgot to bring to Hueco Mundo."

"I gave you twelve hours."

"I know, but…"

"Silence. You will speak no longer. Return to your room immediately."

And, that was when the great Heroine Inoue Orihime used Tsubaki (the Magical Fairy) to knock the arrancar unconscious before running off to complete her quest.

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"Because," she mumbled to herself a little guiltily much later. "He was blocking my path to the least bloodshed, like Tousen-san says. I really was in a hurry. It isn't so bad now, but later, it will be like a flash flood. And it will be very painful and all, but I suppose I can't do anything about that. Still, I have to find something… to stop…"

A pause. Then Inoue Orihime squealed in despair. In between her inattentive wanderings and her various bouts of mumbling and depression, she had gotten herself lost.

"Oh dear! Oh dear!" Inoue wailed. "See? This is what happens when you get depressed! It is so bad to get depressed! Oh dear, what should I do now? No! No more depression! Be strong!" She clenched her fists and marched forward determinedly.

The great Heroine would not be deterred from her quest so easily! It was crucial, vital for World Peace that she completed her quest! So what if she was lost now? She couldn't give up, couldn't afford to lose courage anymore.

Inoue Orihime knew she was weak. She had nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. She had before her an ordeal of the most grievous kind. It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all her might and with all the strength that God can give her: to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. Her aim in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, thereis no survival.

"This!" she declared into the empty corridor. "Shall be my finest hour!"

"What shall be your finest hour?"

Another squeal erupted this time, and Inoue Orihime spun around, trying to locate the owner of the voice.

"In here."

Cautiously, she approached the partially opened door and peered in. Much to her amazement, she was greeted by the sight of one Ichimaru Gin standing half-naked before a basin of water, a wet towel in one hand and a dry one in the other.

"Oh!" she cried.

"Sorry, Orihime-chan," Ichimaru Gin drawled, grinning widely. "I was just finishing my bath."

"So there really are no toilets in Hueco Mundo!" she finished, pointing a finger at him in her excitement.

Ichimaru Gin paused, contemplated the happily grinning face before him, decided he was the only one who was aware she was supposed to be feeling awkward about seeing him half-naked (and dripping wet), and pulled the top of his kimono over his shoulders. "Actually, there aren't any," he admitted, rubbing his wet hair with the dry towel. "We couldn't find a way to establish an efficient plumbing system."

"So everyone really pee-pee and poo-poo into urns!" Inoue exclaimed ecstatically. "That is so cute! I have to tell Kurosaki-kun about this!"

"Somehow, I don't think he really cares how the arrancar defecate or where they defecate to," Ichimaru replied, his voice brimming with amusement. "But yes again, we all pee-pee and poo-poo into urns."

"Defecate!" Inoue shrieked.

This time, even Ichimaru Gin couldn't keep up with her. "Yes?" he questioned tentatively.

"That's such a wonderful word!" she cried. "Oh you are so smart, Ichimaru-san!" She bounced forward and grasped his hands in hers.

"R… really?"

"Of course! I couldn't find a word that could be a really good euphemism for the four letter word that starts with a 's', you know? The best I could think of was poo-poo! But defecate! That's such a… a proper word to use!" Inoue Orihime beamed. "Now I needn't be afraid every time I need to use the toilet when I'm with Byakuya-san! The last time, I didn't even dare move because I couldn't figure out how to explain I needed to defecate without offending him!"

"Ah…" Ichimaru Gin stopped to regain his composure. Then he sent his most poisonous grin in her direction. "But where are my manners, please have a seat." He gestured towards the couch that occupied his lavishly decorated room.

"Thank you!" she beamed back happily, totally immune to the poison in his smile. Then her smile dropped. "Actually," she mumbled awkwardly. "I don't think I should."

"Why not?" Ichimaru questioned curiously, draping himself over one end of the couch.

"I… well, if you really want me to sit, you may have to put a towel over the couch… one that you wouldn't mind throwing away afterwards…"

An eyebrow shot up above his ever-present smile. "Is my couch too filthy for you, Orihime-chan?"

"Oh! Not at all!" Inoue protested frantically. "It's a very nice couch! I mean, the stitches are really very well-done and all! And the fabric is very pretty, though I do think black is such a dreary colour! Which isn't an insult to your kimono at all, Ichimaru-san! And it is so shiny! I always liked shiny hues. It adds such a lovely touch to dull colours! Oh, and it's a very nice shape. Very… rectangular… It's well…" She breathed a sigh of relief when without a word, he produced a towel from nowhere and placed it neatly over the other end of the couch. "Thank you, Ichimaru-san! Ah, I needed this! I'm so tired!" With a smile, she sank into the couch with a sigh.

Ichimaru Gin watched her critically as he continued towel-dry his hair. "So Orihime-chan," he purred. "What brings you here? I believe I was given to understand Aizen-sama told you to stay in your room and not wander about?"

"Oh!" Inoue bubbled. "I was lost!" She grinned.

"And how did you get lost?" Ichimaru questioned, tossing the towel aside and letting his fingers wander over the table in search of a comb.

"It was terrible!" Inoue gushed enthusiastically. "I was on my way to completing my quest for the least bloodshed, in Tousen-san's words of course, but I was stopped by the Wicked Wizard of Oz's dark minion! He tried to stop me from fulfilling my quest but no! I have to climb every mountain and hill, and swim through every sea and river, and trudge through the darkest of trenches! I have to shed sweat, tears, blood and rain to succeed!"

There was another pause. "You have to do all that?"

Inoue responded with a solemn nod.

"For what purpose?" Ichimaru asked, highly amused.

"To complete my quest!" Orihime cried. "And to reach my finest hour!"

"And what is your quest, Orihime-chan?" Ichimaru asked absent-mindedly, running the comb through his hair.

Inoue Orihime was silent was a while. Ichimaru-san really felt different from all the other dark minions, she thought wistfully. He had been so pleasant so far to her, and he had been so curious about her well-being, and he hadn't tried to make her go back to her room. Besides, he had to be a friendly person because he was always smiling, and people who always smile are, of course, friendly. Besides, he has such a nice hair colour! It reminded her of the cute little Toshirou-chan! And he was Rangiku-san's friend, wasn't he? Rangiku-san had said something to that effect before. Oh, and he was wearing a white coat over his black kimono. So, in her Quest, he had to be the Knight in the White Armor!

Inoue Orihime giggled excitedly and squirmed in her seat.

"… hime-chan?"

"What?" She snapped up, staring blankly at the Knight in the White Armor.

Ichimaru Gin continued smiling, if a little bemusedly. "You were zoning out," he told her, tossing the comb back onto the table. "Not a good habit, that."

"Sorry!" Inoue cried, bouncing up and down. "It's just that I was thinking of something really exciting!"

"What would that be?"

"That you have a lance," she declared loudly. "A lance and a pretty white pony with a frilly saddle. Oh, and you are in white armor of course. Then the signal comes… and off you go! Pon-chan is charging forward, and you raise your lance and…" she broke off as a dramatic scream erupted from her.

Ichimaru Gin's face had gone straightly blank. Well, not entirely. He was still smiling, but there was a certain blankness to his expression that Inoue Orihime noted. "Ichimaru-san?" she questioned.

"Frilly saddle?"

"With lace," Orihime confirmed. "White and pink lace."

"Lace?"

"Like the dress Ishida-kun made for me once!"

"Well… that's… lovely…"

"I think so too!"

"Ah…"

"But my quest!"

Ichimaru Gin blinked as he tried to adjust to the sudden change in topic. "Oh yes, your quest," he replied. "What was it?" He blinked again, as Inoue Orihime suddenly invaded his comfort zone by closing the gap between the two of them.

"You must promise you wouldn't laugh," she implored coyly.

"Sure," Ichimaru replied hurriedly. To disagree was unthinkable in this dangerous situation.

"Great!" Inoue beamed. "I always knew you were such a wonderful person!"

With his mind's ear, Ichimaru Gin heard Hitsugaya Toshirou screaming in pain as he got a heart attack from hearing such blasphemy. "Why thank you, Orihime-chan."

She continued to stare at him and Ichimaru Gin had to suppress the urge to squirm uncomfortably in his seat. "Orihime-chan?" he mumbled apprehensively then jerked back when a pinky was thrust in his face.

"The pinky promise!" Inoue announced and looked expectantly at him. When he failed to respond in any way to her gesture, she frowned and tilted her head. "Don't you know the pinky promise?"

"Not really…"

Tears brimmed in Inoue Orihime's eyes as she pondered over how tragic his life must have been being born from Hogyoku and made to wear nothing but black and white the whole day long, and how terrible it must be to not be able to celebrate his sweet sixteen and grown-up eighteen (conveniently forgetting that Ichimaru Gin was not an arrancar but a shinigami).

"It doesn't matter!" she told him earnestly. "Come, I'll teach you!"

"Uh…"

"Come on! It's not sweet sixteen, but it's fun!"

"Sweet sixteen?"

"Like pancakes. But enough of sweet sixteen. Lock your pinky around mine… the other pinky would require less unnatural twists and bends of the joint, Ichimaru-san…"

"Yes… thank you…"

"And now, say the chant with me! Hello, hello, best friend of mine! Shake on this promise, shake-a-doo-da-doo."

"I have to say that?"

"Of course!"

"Eh… hello, hello, best friend of mine. Shake on this promise, shake-a-what?"

"Shake-a-doo-da-doo!"

"Shake-a-doo-da-doo…"

"If we break this promise, may we all be beamed to death by a three million volt death laser and run over by a million ton truck."

"If we break this promise, may we all be beamed to death by a three million volt death laser and run over by a million ton truck."

"And now we kiss!"

"What?"

"Press your thumb to mine… no, the same hand… yes… and muuuuax! There, the promise is sealed!"

Ichimaru Gin stared at his hand and wondered what happened to the simple 'cross my heart and hope to die'.

"Wasn't that fun?"

Ichimaru Gin's gaze turned from his hand to the beaming girl before him. She reminded him very strongly of Kusajishi Yachiru in that if he failed to agree fully with her idea of fun, he would end up regretting it for the rest of his very short life.

"Definitely," he reassured her. "Very fun. Love the death laser."

"Really?" and now she was perking up even more. "I like it too! I invented that part myself! Because getting stabbed in the eye is just so boring, so I changed it!"

Ichimaru Gin seriously wondered what happened to the very simple and not-embarrassing 'cross my heart and hope to die.' And then he remembered exactly what he had gone through that torture for. "So what is your quest?" he asked.

"You see," Inoue said, her voice dropping to a loud whisper. "My you-know has come…"

"You-know?"

"My period."

The blankness returned with a vengeance. "Your… period?" Ichimaru Gin asked hesitantly.

"Yes, my period… you know, my menses?" Inoue explained.

"Yes, yes, I know," Ichimaru said hurriedly. "But… what has that got to do with you wandering around like that?"

"Oh, don't be silly," Inoue said, giggling. "Of course I was looking for a sanitary pad. Or a tampon, though I've never really tried one of those. They sound painful to me... and really messy."

Ichimaru Gin's mind reeled with the overload of information. "So… your quest was to find a sanitary pad," he stated.

Inoue nodded solemnly. "As fast as possible," she informed him. "Right now it's still okay, but it's going to be a flash flood soon. Mine's the heavy from second day till fourth day kind, you know?"

Ichimaru Gin wanted to inform her that he _didn't_ know, but he didn't know just how to go about doing that. "Heavy?" he asked.

"Like a flash flood," Inoue confirmed. "I… oh! That felt like a lot… I'm glad you put the towel there before I sat on your couch."

Ichimaru Gin's jaw made a migration from his chin to the floor. Swiftly, he snapped it back and pasted his usual smile back on. "Well… perhaps you could ask around," he said quickly, prepared to usher her out of the door. "Maybe some of the female arrancar…"

"Ichimaru-san…" she whispered loudly. "I can't."

"Would know more… what? Why not?"

"I don't know my way around." Inoue frowned deeply. "Besides, according to Ulquiorra-san, it seems the arrancar can't have babies. So perhaps the female arrancar don't have their period."

Thinking about it, Ichimaru Gin was forced to concede that she was probably right (but if they can't have babies then why the hell did Aizen Sousuke make two different sexes in the first place?). He continued to smile at nothing as his mind jumped from possibility to possibility. A shadow moving outside his room gave him the opportunity.

"Grimmjaw!" he called, hurrying to the door to his room. "Grimmjaw! Wait a moment!"

"What?" the gruff voice answered with a large dose of irritation. "What is it?"

Normally, Ichimaru Gin would have stopped to mess around with the arrancar's head, but today, he discovered he had not the time and patience to do so. His couch and towel were at stake. "Grimmjaw," he said hurriedly. "I need to ask you a question of vital importance."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Do arrancar get their period?"

"Their what?"

"You know… their monthly thing?"

"What monthly thing?"

"Never mind." With a smile just the shadow of his creepiest smile, Ichimaru Gin waved off the confused arrancar and closed the door quickly. With mild anxiety, he turned back to the girl sitting on his couch. "No luck," he said mournfully.

"You mean other then toilets, there are no sanitary pads in the whole of Hueco Mundo as well?" Inoue asked in despair.

"It would seem so," Ichimaru Gin informed her regretfully.

"Oh…"

There was a long, drawn-out silence as both parties stared at the floor in dismay. Then Inoue brightened up significantly. "Ichimaru-san!" she whispered earnestly. "Couldn't we go to the real world to get some?"

Ichimaru looked at her slowly then his smiled widened suddenly. "We would have to ask Aizen-sama," he said ponderingly.

"Oh yes, we would have to."

"I'll ask for you," Ichimaru offered.

"Really?" Inoue brightened up again.

"He's room is just down the corridor," Ichimaru said, his voice suddenly dripping with kindness. "Only Kaname and I have full access to it. We could just pop down and get his permission, informal-like, so no one would have to find out about your quest."

"Oh, that's great!" Inoue cried cheerfully.

"Isn't it?"

"But he wouldn't laugh?"

"Nonsense! Aizen-sama is our great leader who will lead us on the path to the least bloodshed! Besides, you could make him do the pinky-promise now, couldn't you?"

"Of course! You really are so smart, Ichimaru-san! Let's go now!"

"Absolutely."

As they hurried out, something that looked like malicious delight fluttered over Ichimaru Gin's face. But Inoue Orihime was sure she had been mistaken. Ichimaru Gin was such a nice, helpful Knight in White Armor. Surely he wouldn't wear the expression of one plotting an evil and devious prank. Inoue Orihime was positive she had misread the expression on Ichimaru Gin's face.

Well… mostly positive at least.

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Aizen Sousuke was lounging on his couch (designed to look a little like a throne), rolling Hogyoku in his hand just around the time Ichimaru Gin was pondering the lack of 'cross my heart and hope to die's. Even though he would never really admit it, Aizen Sousuke was fairly fond of the physical appearance of Hogyoku. It was so small despite the huge amounts of power it had, so small and adorable. And it was shiny. If he held it in the light at a certain angle, Aizen Sousuke was positive he could see his very handsome face in the tiny orb.

It was pretty, like a reflection of his true self within the orb, pretty and philosophical.

A sudden shiver ran through him and he sneezed, surprising himself due to his incapability to stop that physical reaction. Fortunately, there had been no one to witness that sudden show of weakness. When one runs an army comprising of creatures far more powerful and less morally-tied than Shinigami captains, one has to be careful not to give them any… ideas.

Lazily, he stuck a hand into his coat and dragged out a handkerchief.

At first, he did little but dab delicately at his nose. Then he remembered that there was no one to observe him and blew his nose violently into the handkerchief.

The Shinigami in Seireitei just didn't know what Aizen Sousuke had sacrificed to attain the position he had now. Little things like blowing his nose in public or even farting in public were a huge no-no for the lord of Hueco Mundo. Could they even comprehend the amount of training he had endured to be able to control such involuntary reactions without any outward display of discomfort?

Vindictively, Aizen Sousuke took a huge breath and blew his nose as hard as possible into his handkerchief.

"Aizen-sama."

Coughing, almost choking, Aizen Sousuke flicked the handkerchief away hurriedly and sat up straight, glaring at the pair before him. He knew he should have done something about Ichimaru Gin's tendencies to sidle about the place and sneaking up on people. And now, said bastard was smirking very happily in his direction.

Glowering, Aizen scowled down at his subordinate. "What is it, Gin?" he demanded coldly.

The smirk widened. "That was quite a display, Aizen-sama," Ichimaru Gin replied cheerfully. "Too bad we don't have much of a Fourth Division here. Can't have you getting a cold just before the Shinigami invade, hmm?"

Aizen Sousuke glowered even more. "What are you doing in my room, Gin?" he snarled.

Ichimaru Gin just grinned. "You have a little… eh…"

"Booger," the small figure next to him provided helpfully.

"Booger there… no… a little lower. Yep. Got it."

Rubbing the back of his hand on his coat, Aizen Sousuke glared at the two of them, both grinning _happily_ at him. "Well?" he demanded. "What is it, and why is our guest here as well?"

Suspicion and anxiety merged as the two figures before him exchanged swift knowing glances. He wondered when those two had become such good friends.

"Uh… Aizen-san…?" the woman mumbled shyly. "It's to do with well… I need supplies… from the real world."

"Whatever for? We have everything here you could possibly need."

"Not precisely," Ichimaru Gin interrupted cheerfully. Too cheerfully.

"Very well," Aizen said suspiciously. "What is it that you need, Inoue Orihime?"

A look of extreme anxiety crossed her face. She even turned around to look at Ichimaru Gin for comfort and encouragement, a thing unheard of in the long histories of Soul Society and Hueco Mundo. "Well… it's…"

"Yes?" Aizen demanded impatiently.

"You have to promise not to laugh," she said anxiously. "The pinky-promise?" A pinky was held up hopefully.

"I don't do pinky-promises," Aizen snapped. "My promise not to laugh is enough."

"Not really," Ichimaru Gin drawled lazily. "Remember that time when I was still your vice-captain? You promised me I could have a day off if I could convince Unohana-taichou that I really had a terrible stomachache? I pulled it off alright, but you still didn't grant me a day off. Instead, you told on me. Unohana-taichou's revenge was not very pleasant. I still have the scars from it." He smiled maliciously, and Aizen Sousuke suddenly got the feeling that Ichimaru Gin held a lot of things against him, and was taking the opportunity to wage a vengeance on him.

"Oh, that wouldn't do!" Inoue Orihime cried. "Promises have to be kept, Aizen-san! Pinky-promise!" Now she was invading _his_ comfort zone, and that was not to be tolerated.

"Inoue Orihime!" he barked, but was rudely interrupted by his most cursed subordinate.

"Aizen-sama! Tsk tsk!" Ichimaru Gin chided gently, wagging a finger in front of _the_ great Aizen-sama's face. "Yelling at a young lady like that! Where's your manners now? Dear Orhime-chan is coming to you for help. She isn't here to harm you." The words 'unlike someone else' hung dramatically in the room even though Ichimaru Gin didn't say anything to that effect.

"Fine, the pinky-promise," Aizen growled, gripping the little pinky in front of him brutally.

"Now, recite after me!"

Ichimaru Gin smirked evilly the whole time.

"Alright," Aizen said brusquely. "Now that I have done the pinky-promise, tell me what your request is."

"It's like this," she said earnestly. "I have my period."

Ichimaru Gin suppressed a giggle at the sight of Aizen's face.

"Your period," Aizen said dully. "And what has that got to do with me?"

That, Ichimaru Gin decided, had to be a very standard male response to that particular feminine problem.

"I need sanitary pads," Inoue Orihime was explaining patiently (in her mind, the Wicked Wizard of Oz obviously was not as quick at grasping things as compared to the Knight in White Armor).

"So go get some."

"There aren't any sanitary pads in Hueco Mundo," Inoue went on, just as patiently.

Aizen Sousuke's brain felt like it was going to explode out of his ears. "I see," he muttered, resisting the urge to rub his temples. "Very well then. Some shall be fetched for you." Vindictiveness reared its ugly head. "Gin. You shall put on a reiatsu-hiding gigai and proceed to the real world to buy sanitary pads for Inoue Orihime." He smiled cruelly at the surprised look on his subordinate's face.

"That's great!" Inoue Orihime cried suddenly. "Oh, thank you, Aizen-san! You really aren't much of a Wicked Wizard of Oz after all!"

"Me?" Ichimaru Gin asked mildly. "Wouldn't it be better to sent Ulquiorra or Grimmjaw to get some?"

"Oh no!" Inoue Orihime cried. "It has to be you, Ichimaru-san! Sure, you are a little on the boyish side, but I can talk to you about all my girl stuff, like when I've got my period and when I have a crush and stuff like that. It's like being with Tatsuki again! We could be really good sisters! So, it would seem so _odd_ to get a boy like Ulquiorra-san to fetch girl stuff for me!"

Aizen Sousuke suppressed a smirk.

"Very well," Ichimaru Gin said docilely. "I see what you mean. Yes, we could be really good sisters."

Aizen Sousuke's smirk froze as he tried to make sense of Ichimaru Gin's lack of resistance.

"Oh, you think so too? I'm so glad!"

"When I return," Ichimaru Gin continued, his cruel smirk pasted right on. "We could do our nails together… and our hair. I have been dying for a hair-cut lately. My bangs are getting into my eyes. Surely you could help me."

"Definitely! I do Tatsuki-chan's hair sometimes! And we can paint our nails pink!"

"Pink is a lovely colour."

Aizen Sousuke stared wide-eyed as his vice-captain agreed to French braids, pink nails, flower-patterned skirts and maximisers. An image was called to his mind, of a huge army of arrancar advancing on Seireitei. Just as they were about to obliterate the Shinigami, everyone suddenly looks up in awe.

_"It's a bird…" _

_"It's a plane…" _

_"No! It's… Ichimaru Gin…why the hell is he wearing a dress? Wait… those things bouncing about behind him… they are braids!" _

_"Is he wearing shimmer eye-shadow?" _

_ "Is he wearing a bra?"_

_"Oh my… what fetishes that weirdo has." _

_"You kidding me? It has to be Aizen who made him wear that. I mean, Ichimaru Gin was never of that persuasion. He's eh… __**known**__ Matsumoto fukutaichou for a long time, remember?" _

_"Oh, so it's Aizen who has those weird fetishes." _

_"Shit, what a fucking weirdo." _

_"Yeah. Always knew he was gay." _

_"Doesn't think a genius to figure that out. Think. He tried to kill his female fukutaichou, and left with his male fukutaichou. That shows which way he swings sure enough." _

_"Weirdo." _

_"Fag." _

With a suppressed grasp of horror, Aizen Sousuke snapped back to reality, pressing a hand to his forehead. What were the Shinigami going to think of a king who had a cross-dresser as his right-hand (or left-hand, depending on which side of the throne Ichimaru Gin chose to sit at) man? Hell, what were the arrancar going to think of that? What was to happen to _his_ reputation?

He had to stop this. He had to stop this immediately.

Oh god, his vice-captain was talking about bras.

He had to stop them.

"Gin!" he snapped. "To the real world, now!"

"Hmm?"

"Oh yes!" Inoue Orihime cried. "You've got to hurry, Gin-chan! It's going to be a huge hurricane soon!"

"Absolutely," Ichimaru Gin replied benignly. "I'll be off now, Orihime-chan. We can continue to talk about under-wires when I return."

"And strawberry milkshake."

"Mmm. Yummy."

"And cute guys! Like Kurosaki-kun!"

"Well… you can talk about cute guys. I can listen."

"Oh sure!"

"Gin! Real world! Now!"

Ichimaru Gin dropped a graceful bow. "Absolutely, Aizen-sama," he said politely. "I shall be off now…"

"Gin-chan!" Inoue Orihime called. "Wait! Get the Happy-Dry brand, extra-long, ultra-thin and perfumed one, okay?"

"… Repeat that again?"

"Happy-Dry brand! Extra-long, ultra-thin and perfumed! It's the best kind. Oh, and make sure it's the one that says 'clean and dry' not 'soft on skin' because the 'soft on skin' one just doesn't absorb as well."

"… Right."

Aizen Sousuke tried to draw comfort from the shocked look on Ichimaru Gin's face, but the image of Ichimaru Gin in a dress refused to go away. It didn't help when at the doorway, Ichimaru Gin had turned around and dropped an almost perfect curtsy in his direction (the long white coats of the arrancar were not designed so they could be held like _that_).

"And now I'll be off!" Inoue Orihime chirped, interrupting Aizen Sousuke's fatalistic thoughts. "I've got to go get ready!"

"Ready for what?" Aizen Sousuke asked weakly.

"Gin-chan's hair cut of course! I'm sure I can borrow someone's zanpakuto… ah, Gin-chan's Shinsou would be just the perfect length! But Shinsou-san is with him now, so I'll have to wait till he comes back. Still, I'll need mirrors! And a drape so his clothes wouldn't get dirty! Ooh! This is going to be so fun!"

As the girl walked out, Aizen Sousuke allowed himself another moment of weakness. With a loud groan, he sank into his couch until he was practically lying rather than sitting on it, his legs stretched out in front of him. With a loud howl, he swiped the cushion from out under him and flung it viciously at a wall, cursing loudly.

"Ai… Aizen-sama?"

Aizen Sousuke's eyes shot open and took in the sight of Tousen Kaname standing at the doorway with a cushion lying on top of his head.

"Damn it all!"

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"Gin-chan?"

"Yes, Orihime-chan?"

"You're looking a little pale…"

"Am I?"

"Yes. As soon as you looked in the mirror, you turned pale."

"Oh did I?"

"Yes. Don't you like your new hair cut?"

"It's… unique."

"Isn't it? I modeled it after Kenpachi-san's hair!"

"I wonder if this was worth it."

"What did you say, Gin-chan?"

"Nothing."

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Author's Notes: The end! I hope you enjoyed that! I hope to come up with more oneshots soon. Please do remember to leave a review!


	2. We've got the disease

Second chapter of Problems in Hueco Mundo now up! The idea being that the Fourth Division is a very necessary part of any army.

I don't own Bleach, and a lot of facts about ice-cream came from Wikipedia, so I don't own those either.

Anyway, go ahead and enjoy the chapter!

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**Chapter two: We've got the Disease**

The main meeting room was dark, as was fitting of the main meeting room of the main antagonist's palace. There were no chairs except for the throne Aizen Sousuke sat on. Sitting down was a privilege in Aizen Sousuke's palace, a privilege only he would have. It reinforced his image as the most powerful ruler of Hueco Mundo. (Also, it saved on the money spent on unnecessary things like furniture). Not even Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname were granted seats. Instead, they had to sit on whatever protruding bits of cement they could find. The only concession granted was that they were allowed to sit near to Aizen Sousuke (which wasn't much of a concession at all, given the lack of toilets in Hueco Mundo).

"… nonetheless, while we have little to fear from Seireitei, we must all be alert and on guard. It is true that the top ranks of the arrancar are significantly more powerful than any taichou, but that does not mean that we can relax. We must be firm on our feet and train daily to ensure that this gap in power is maintained."

Ichimaru Gin wobbled unsteadily on his protruding piece of cement.

"Do not fear, for soon we will be rulers of the entire world. The empty space in the heavens will be filled by me, Aizen Sousuke, and my most worthy followers."

Ichimaru Gin wobbled again. This time, Tousen Kaname joined him, albeit, a little more subtly.

"Come, my Arrancar! Hear me speak! Heed my words!"

Both men wobbled. Ichimaru Gin groaned softly.

"Soon we will be gods! Deities! We will rule the… skies…" the powerful voice trailed off slightly at the odd sounds coming from its owner's right. "The land and the seas. With Hogyoku, none can stand in our way."

Tousen Kaname's hand shot out to steady himself before he actually toppled over his protruding piece of cement. He gasped loudly before managing to retain his position. Next to him, Ichimaru Gin slumped suddenly with a soft whimper.

"And as long as we have the human girl, Inoue Orihime's powers at our disposal, we need not worry about losing Hogyoku." The owner of the powerful voice was now focused to the two men sitting to his right. "And you are all dismissed," he finished hurriedly when one of the figures suddenly started a slow topple off the protruding piece of cement.

As soon as the last of the arrancar had left the room, the owner of the powerful voice i.e. Aizen Sousuke sat up in his throne and glared to his right. "What was that all about?" he demanded coldly.

"My sincerest apologies, Aizen-sama," Tousen Kaname said, offering a floppy little bow that was more of a collective collapsing of all major muscle groups than a bow.

"Sorry, yo," Ichimaru Gin mumbled from somewhere at the base of Aizen Sousuke's throne.

"What is the matter with the both of you?" Aizen Sousuke demanded again. "Can't I trust the two of you to sit still and with dignity during such important propaganda events?"

"I am terribly sorry," Tousen Kaname said regretfully. "I am afraid I am not feeling… well."

"Me neither," Ichimaru Gin moaned, not moving from his face-down position.

Aizen Sousuke scowled. "What do you mean you are not feeling well?" he snapped. "We are gods, we can't be sick!"

"Sorry to disrupt your delusions of grandeur," Ichimaru Gin mumbled weakly. "But we're Shinigami. We can get sick, we can get injured, we can die… and I think I hurt my nose falling off like that."

Aizen Sousuke hesitated, wondering what was the best way to kill Ichimaru Gin for his disobedience and his blatant destruction of Aizen Sousuke's favourite fantasy.

He's musings were broken however, when one Tousen Kaname suddenly joined Ichimaru Gin at the base of his throne.

"I believe I have hurt my nose too, Gin."

"Soul brothers, yo."

"It is a very unpleasant experience… this nose-hurting."

"Yeah… luckily this isn't my first time hurting my nose."

"Oh?"

"Zaraki Kenpachi smashed my nose once during a bar fight. Luckily Unohana-taichou was on duty that night."

"That is why I do not visit such places of low moral value."

"Yeah. Good point. I got him in his you-know-what though."

"Did you? I was under the impression he cannot be cut or something like that."

"Don't know about that. I got him with my knee anyway, not my zanpakuto. Didn't want to dirty my precious Shinsou. Kept him out of places of low moral values for a while."

"Ah, your good deed of the day, I presume. Unfortunately, your attempts to civilize that brute hasn't seemed to work,"

"Ah… if you say so. Honestly, I just thought it was funny seeing the expression on his face when he had to be tended by Yachiru, who can't figure out the difference between aspirin and cyanide."

Aizen Sousuke rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. "Enough of this nonsense, Gin, Kaname," he said coldly. "Get back on your feet immediately. We still have many plans to make. Our back-up Plan W has yet to be finalized."

There was silence from the base of his throne. Aizen Sousuke tried to peer down to see what was happening. Unfortunately, he was having difficulty peering dignifiedly. What he could see however suggested a significant lack of movement on the part of his most disobedient subordinates. "Move," he commandeered.

"Can't…" a faint voice rasped.

"What do you mean 'can't'? You two are the most powerful beings in the whole of Hueco Mundo, second and third only to me! Yet you can't even get onto your own feet without assistance? Do you want to be punished for disobedience?"

"We are trying, Aizen-sama," the second voice replied. "Unfortunately, neither Gin nor I can really move. We are both really… oh god… you might want to dodge, G…"

"Not here, Kaname… oh gross… you got some on me…"

Aizen Sousuke tried not to ponder what kind of stomach contents made that kind of sound when they hit a solid surface. "So…" he ventured. "The two of you are really sick?"

"Yeah."

"Kaname was really puking, and not… fake-puking because Gin sneaked laxatives into his food?"

"Yeah. I don't do laxatives anyway. Too easy to trace."

"This isn't Gin's idea of a sick joke?"

"Aizen-sama, I was in the _line of fire_."

Aizen Sousuke paused to ponder that statement. "I see," he said. "What is this damned illness you both got?"

"Flu, I think… not that I would know. I'm no Fourth Division. Too powerful to be one, wouldn't you say, Kaname?"

A garbled groan answered that statement.

"Influenza," Aizen Sousuke said disgustedly. "I should have thought so. That's the one virus that can be found in any country and dimension." A moment of hesitation. "Ulquiorra!"

"Aizen-sama."

Stifling the scream that almost erupted from him when the arrancar had appeared suddenly at the doorway, Aizen Sousuke smoothed down his hakama and gestured in the vague direction of the base of his throne. "Observe, Ulquiorra."

Ulquiorra observed.

"Yo, Ulquiorra."

"Hail comrade."

Ulquiorra bowed politely. "May I ask why both great leaders are lying facedown on the floor in what looks like recently-expelled stomach contents?"

"They are sick," Aizen Sousuke said sagely.

"I see," Ulquiorra said politely.

"We need to do something about this, Ulquiorra," Aizen Sousuke went on, pressing the tips of his fingers together. "It cannot do for our great strategists to be stuck facedown on the floor in vomit. We must do something about it."

"Indeed. Shall I relieve them of their pain?"

Both Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname stared at the partially unsheathed zanpakuto.

"Of course not," Aizen Sousuke scoffed, albeit, in a rather benign fashion. "My throne is already dirty enough as it is. I don't want to get blood on it as well. Besides, I need Gin's devious schemes to defeat Seireitei, and Kaname's various quotes on justice for my propaganda speeches."

"Of course, Aizen-sama. Then what would you have me do?"

"Summon one of the lower arrancar to clean up the mess."

"Very well."

"Oh… and summon Inoue Orihime to heal my right-hand men."

"As you wish, great sir."

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"I can't cure it."

Aizen Sousuke raised an eyebrow from his position over the make-shift stretchers where his unworthy subordinates lay. "Excuse me?" he questioned incredulously. "You can't?"

Inoue Orihime cringed under his glare, gently using a piece of wet cloth to wipe Ichimaru Gin's face. "I can't," she repeated timidly. "There is no cure for influenza."

"You can regenerate an arm," Aizen pointed out, being the type of person to state the obvious.

"Yes," Inoue said patiently. "But the state of a body with an arm and without an arm is an absolute. The normal human body has plenty of bacteria in it to begin with. Besides, the influenza virus can remain dormant for a long time before the symptoms show. It is near impossible to pinpoint the state where it is without the virus."

"So…"

"So there is no cure for influenza," Inoue Orihime concluded. She looked down mournfully. "Sorry, Gin-chan, Kaname-chan."

"It's okay, Inoue-san."

"I kind of hate you now, but it's just the virus, Orihime-chan. It's an evil thing, that virus."

"That's good to know," Inoue beamed, wiping her tears away.

"Influenza has caused wars before, you know?"

"Of course, Gin-chan."

"I've still got specks of vomit on my clothes… that's a cause for war alright."

"I'll get Grimmjaw-chan to change your clothes for you. He's been very nice to me lately. If I ask him nicely, I'm sure he'll agree to help!"

"That's kind of gross… him stripping me…"

"He's a nice person, Gin-chan."

"If you say so. I'm still not comfortable with him touching my underwear."

"He can change Kaname-chan's clothes too."

"Gross."

"I agree with you, Gin. That image is kind of gross."

"Ah! If it makes the both of you comfortable, he can change both of you at the same time! Then it's the two of you against one of him!"

"Orihime-chan…"

"Stop trying."

"I haven't puked yet. I don't want to."

"The two of you are awfully mean today!"

"It's the virus. Told you it causes wars."

"Absolutely. I am not mean, I believe in the path to the least bloodshed."

"Of course, Kaname-chan."

The sound of someone clearing his throat somewhere way above them interrupted the mildly delirious conversation.

"Yes, Aizen-san?" Inoue asked bravely, gazing up at the evil lord of Hueco Mundo.

"For the last time, it's Aizen-_sama_, Inoue Orihime," Aizen snapped. "Now, enough of all this mundane talk about Grimmjaw and stripping my right-hand men. All you need to tell me now is what I am to do about my sick subordinates."

At that Inoue Orihime perked up immediately. "Oh! It's very simple, Aizen-san!" she squealed. "It's all about comfy beds, nice warm comforters with pretty pink butterflies and bunnies sewed on them! Oh, and the hot chicken soup seasoned with caramel and black sugar! Then there're the cold compresses and hot wraps and romance mangas and lots and lots of red bean paste mixed with lots and lots of butter and wasabi."

Aizen Sousuke's jaw dropped. He quickly snapped it back again before anyone could take note of it. When he removed his hand, it threatened to drop again, but he held it up by the sheer force of his will. "All that?" he quavered. "My military funds are going to be spent on pink bunny stitches and caramel?"

"Yes," Inoue Orihime said firmly over the weak protests coming from below her.

"Is the wasabi necessary?"

"It clears the nose."

"And the red bean paste?"

"It settles the stomach."

"And the romance mangas?"

"It distracts."

Aizen Sousuke hesitated, trying to find away around her cure. But for all the work he put into his fighting abilities, the one area he neglected consistently was the area of healing. "Very well," he conceded finally with a negligible sigh of defeat. "Present your cure to my men. You have a week to cure them."

"But Aizen-san…"

"What is it? I will not allow any time extensions."

"Well… there are no caramel, black sugar, cold compresses, hot wraps, romance mangas, red bean paste, butter or wasabi in Hueco Mundo. Come to think of it, there are no pink butterflies and bunnies either."

"Then…" Aizen Sousuke hesitated again.

"Someone needs to go to the real world to get them."

Inoue Orihime beamed.

Aizen Sousuke rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"… Ulquiorra! Yami!"

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"… What are you doing, Grimmjaw?"

"What do you think I'm doing, oh great leader's right-hand man?"

"… Hey! Get your claws away from there! That's a very sensitive part of my anatomy!"

"What sensitive part of your anatomy?"

"My nose! I just smashed my nose against Aizen-sama's throne! It really hurts!"

"That's your own fault. Now stop squirming. You think I like doing this?"

"… Ikorose, Shin…"

"Ah, give me that and shut up. Sick kids ain't supposed to be playing with their zanpakuto."

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Ulquiorra hesitated before the tiny mart Inoue Orihime had directed him to. The list in his hand indicated that he had to acquire a series of provisional items. Aizen-sama had insisted that he acquire each and every item in large quantities, enough to last for seven days. Therefore, by default, Ulquiorra had to acquire said provisional items.

The problem was how to acquire said provisional items.

He had been given several large wads of paper, a few round pieces of metal and a gigai. Aizen Sousuke had instructed him patiently on what to do. He was to walk into the mart, acquire a cart-like mode of transportation, put the items on his list into the cart, push it over to the 'cashier', give the paper and metal to the human there and then return to Hueco Mundo. That was fine. He understood the instructions perfectly.

The problem was, he had no idea what the provisional items looked like, where the carts were and what a cashier is.

But that was okay, because Inoue Orihime had said something about labels. She had said that the labels will tell him what to look out for.

This was followed by another problem, being that he did not know what a label was.

Neatly, Ulquiorra folded the precious pieces of paper and stuffed them into the pocket of the pants that have a female name (it was called Jean apparently; he wondered why). Whatever the case was, no matter what sort of obstacles he found in his way, a mission given to him by Aizen-sama _must_ be completed. So this was a little more difficult than killing a certain orange-haired Shinigami. That was no matter. He would do what was needed.

First thing on the list: Enter the mart.

That he could do.

Confidently, he stepped forward towards the doorframe – then blinked when he walked right into something when there was nothing there.

Blinking in hidden amazement, the great arrancar backed off and studied the doorframe curiously.

There had to be some kind of odd barrier around the mart, he decided, a kind of force-field that protected the occupants of the mart from outside attacks by their enemies. Ulquiorra applauded their efficiency internally. The barrier was so well hidden he hadn't even noticed it until he had walked right into it. Closer inspection revealed that the barrier actually reflected light – which meant that whoever created it was so good he or she could actually make reiatsu appear solid.

Slowly, Ulquiorra explored the barrier from top to bottom. This was strange; he couldn't find any trace of reiatsu on the barrier. In fact, it was so well done it actually _felt_ solid, as opposed to just _looking_ solid. That was no problem; Ulquiorra wasn't Aizen Sousuke's most trusted arrancar for nothing.

Bracing himself slightly, Ulquiorra started to manipulate the reiastu within himself, controlling it carefully, sending just the correct amount deep into the barrier to search for a weak point. To his surprise, he countered almost no resistance at all.

It would seem that this barrier was made so perfectly, so _subtly_, it was impossible to locate even the slightest weak point. Ulquiorra found it difficult to believe that any human could create a barrier as perfect as this, but the evidence was displayed before him. Immediately, he started to take as much note of his surroundings as possible, so he could report this event back to Aizen Sousuke when he returned to Hueco Mundo.

As amazing as this barrier was however, Ulquiorra still had to acquire the necessary food items to take back to Hueco Mundo. He was given to believe that such food items were necessary for the well-being of Aizen'sama's most trusted subordinates. While he did not think much of them, and especially despised Ichimaru Gin, that did not change the fact that Aizen-sama needed those two at his side in order to function properly as the evil overlord of Hueco Mundo.

But how was he to break such a perfect barrier? What could he do? Was he to return in shame? That would not do, that would not do at all. But what could he do? The barrier was perfect! Even Aizen-sama himself couldn't break it!

"Mama! Hurry! I want my candy! Hurry!"

"Don't run, child! Be careful!"

"Hurry! Look, I want that one! Let's go in, Mama!"

"Okay! Okay! Just hang on a minute… be careful!"

"After you, Mama!"

"Oh, what a gentleman! You sweet little thing! Go grab your candy. I can hold the door myself."

"Okay!"

Ulquiorra stared at the weak, _human_ woman holding part of the barrier up with one hand. Ulquiorra stared at the weak _human_ boy who had pushed open the barrier with his bare hands. Ulquoirra stared at his feet in sheer embarrassment.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Wh… what is it, woman?"

"Are you going in, sir?"

"O… of course."

"Then after you!"

"…"

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"Alright, you're next."

"I do not understand why Inoue-san insisted you change our clothes. You are nothing but an embodiment of murder with no motive, rage with no direction. You are evil, Grimmjaw, evil."

"Yeah, yeah. I don't like you either."

"You will not touch me. Gin may be able to endure your administrations but I will not… stop that immediately!"

"No can do. Aizen-sama's orders. Heh, good thing I had the foresight to hide your zanpakuto first."

"Stop that or I'll kill you!"

"If you don't puke all over yourself first, puke-face."

"You are being disrespectful! And you are deliberately trying to antagonize me into attacking you, but I will not do so because I only kill in the name of jus… don't you dare do that, you uncivilized buffoon!"

"Love ya too, dude. Fucking mother of madness, I can't believe I am stuck changing diapers!"

"Those are not diapers! I do not wear diapers. Grown men do not wear diapers. I am a follower of Aizen Sousuke, the great leader who will lead us on the path to the least bloodshed. I am the bringer of justice and peace!"

"Yeah, whatever. Hey! Teeth away from my hand!"

"You are a murdering bastard, Grimmjaw! Nothing more! You are not worthy to even _lick_ Aizen-sama's shoes! By all the great gods above, you are not even worthy to lick _Inoue-san's _shoes! At least that girl has honour! At least she does not kill indiscriminately! You are by-product of a corrupt era, Grimmjaw! You shall be vanquished! I shall destroy you in the name of justice!"

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not the one that just tried to bite me."

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_Red bean paste… red bean paste… red bean paste…_

Ulquiorra wiped a trickle of perspiration off his fore head (the parts that were exposed for wiping at least) and stared grudgingly down the rows and rows of provisional items displayed before him. It was, technically, impossible for so small a room to contain so many items, but it did. Once again, the prowess of the person who had erected the barrier could be seen here. The evident lack of reiatsu was obviously a trademark of this person, who had made it possible to erect so many shelves in so small a place.

And goddamn it all, where _was_ the red bean paste?

A petite woman in an apron wandered past. Ulquiorra pondered the Pride of the Arrancar, and his Pride as a Male Arrancar, and threw both out of the proverbial window. "E… excuse me."

"Oh yes?" Ulquiorra winced at the amazingly shrill voice.

"Where is the red bean paste?"

"Red bean paste?" the woman smiled. "Right behind you."

Shifting uncomfortably, Ulquiorra turned around – and stared at the rows upon rows upon rows of red bean paste.

His jaw dropped.

"All that is red bean paste?" he questioned disbelievingly.

"Oh yes!" the woman replied cheerfully. "Which brand are you looking for? We've got the Strawberry Brand, the Pencil-lover's Brand and the Jaw's Brand. Those are most certainly the most popular brands around. Recently, we have also started importing the Devil's Bells Brand and the Sakura Brand as well. Some like the Pink-Happy Brand, but that one is way too sweet for me. It kind of gives me a sugar-high, and I start calling everyone by odd nicknames."

Ulquiorra blinked unhappily. "Well then…"

"Or perhaps," the woman mused. "I should elaborate more for you. The Strawberry Brand is different in that it's still kind of 'immature'. The paste contains lots of partially squashed red beans in them, so it isn't smooth, but it's not bad. The Pencil-lover's Brand has a really nice packaging and the taste is of a pretty fine quality, but it screams of too many frills to me. On the other hand, it does come with a free cross-stitch pack in it, though the patterns are usually overly elaborate. Ah, the Jaw's Brand is like a man's brand kind of thing. It's got red bean paste with sake, red bean paste with beer and red bean paste with beef. Pretty odd if you ask me, but it's a relatively new brand, so no one knows what to make out of it. Some people think it's really good, some people think it's really bad. Now, the Devil's Bells Brand is rather unique. They actually add spicy stuff into it, so it's really hot. There's like chili red bean paste, tom yam red bean paste, curry red bean paste… all those great delights. I've friends who like it, but personally, it just drives me crazy. The Sakura Brand on the other hand, is a really pricy brand, targeted at the really rich people. The taste is really refined, just perfect to go with sake, but it's only got one flavour so it's kind of boring."

Ulquiorra's mind reeled. This was… unexpected. He hadn't known there were so many different kinds of red bean paste. It was unbelievable. How could there possibly be so many kinds of red bean paste? Were humans so bored that they had to go invent so many different kinds of red bean paste? Perhaps Aizen-sama was actually doing them a favor by waging war on them. At least it would take their minds off red bean paste.

"Well?" the woman beamed.

Perhaps, if he stared hard enough at the shelves, an answer will appear out of nowhere.

"Why don't we do it this way," the woman said kindly. "Tell me what you want the red bean paste for and I'll recommend a brand."

"I…" Ulquoirra stared at the ground and contemplated telling her that he _didn't_ want red bean paste, it was Aizen-sama that wanted red bean paste. "I…"

"Are you cooking for your girlfriend tonight? Or perhaps you just want it as a kind of side-dish?" the woman went on, smiling. "Are you eating it plain, or are you going to put it with something else? Perhaps you want it to go with sake?"

What had that woman said? Ulquiorra could actually feel the sweat on the palms of his hands. "I…" he said helplessly. "It's… wasabi… and butter. Yes! Wasabi and butter! She… I mean, I want to mix it in wasabi and butter!"

The woman's face went strangely blank. "Wasabi and butter…?" she mused. "Well, I suppose that's not as odd as beef and barbecue sauce. In that case, I suppose you should get your red bean paste plain."

"Ok," Ulquiorra replied meekly.

"Or perhaps… you could try it with all the other flavours… you know, like barbecued red bean paste with wasabi and butter," the woman went on. "Hey, maybe the curry red bean paste would do. Or the really finely blended garlic red bean paste? Oh hey, I know, how about…"

Cautiously, Ulquiorra backed off until his back hit a shelf. A dull, throbbing sensation had started at the point in between his brows. It felt, he noted detachedly, like he was being hit rapidly on that area by the blunt end of a pencil. It didn't exactly hurt, but the continuous tapping seemed to induce a sort of mental numbness.

Then the pain hit and he realized that it hurt – terribly.

Rotating on his heels, he turned and stared blearily at the shelf behind him.

Aspirins.

Aspirins are for headaches.

He had a headache.

Wonderful.

He picked a box off the shelf and stared at the instructions. The tiny words blurred before his eyes. Silently, he cursed the assumption aspirin manufacturers had made about everyone having perfect eyesight. Then he shrugged. Arrancar were built to be indestructible after all.

Without a second thought, he emptied the box into his mouth.

As his eyes started to cross, Ulquiorra suddenly realized that while arrancar were supposed to be indestructible, he had been forced into taking human drugs by a woman with too much to say. Thus, he supposed dreamily, arrancar weren't exactly indestructible.

Which, he supposed on, didn't really matter since the world was starting to turn a very pretty shade of pink.

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Inoue Orihime cautiously pushed open the door to the room Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname now shared (for convenience's sake). With the experienced eyes of one who witnessed puking on a regular basis (definitely not because of her lack of culinary skills), she scanned the floor meticulously before putting a foot forward.

"Kaname-chan? Gin-chan?"

The occupant of the couch groaned. "I… Inoue-san?"

"Kaname-chan," Inoue greeted softly. "Are you feeling better?"

"Not really…"

The occupant of the other couch (because it would be unfair to let either party take the bed, Aizen Sousuke had destroyed the bed and made both parties sleep on the couches) groaned.

"Gin-chan?"

"Yo…"

Inoue Orihime shook her head sadly. "What a tragic 'yo' that was," she cried. "You must be feeling so terrible! I'm sorry my powers don't really work on viruses."

"Can't be helped," the bundle on the second couch mumbled generously. "There ain't no cure for influenza. Much like there ain't no cure for stupidity. Why did I leave Soul Society in the first place, Kaname?"

"We wanted to create a new world of peace," the other bundle replied obligingly.

"We did?" the first bundle lifted itself a little to reveal tousled silver hair.

"Of course, Gin."

"I was _that_ stupid?" The first bundle flopped down again (mainly because his stomach was starting to make extremely odd and distressing noises). "If I'm finally seeing the light, maybe the influenza virus ate all my stupidity viruses."

"Don't be stupid," the second bundle tried to say, but was drowned out by one Inoue Orihime bursting into loud shrieks of laughter.

"Oh, you are so funny, Gin-chan!" Inoue Orihime giggled helplessly, flopping down on his couch. "That was such an artistic comment! It is almost like Pee-chan banging Pon-chan on the head and then running off with Pakupaku's unagi!"

"Thanks, Orihime-chan. Ow… my head hurts. Why did we leave without taking the Fourth Division with us anyway? I bet they could cure influenza. At least Unohana-taichou could. Though she's scary… like that time I forgot to take just that one dose of antibiotics… she made it sound like I just doomed the whole world."

"It would have been impossible to bring the Fourth Division with us. They hold no loyalty to Aizen-sama."

"We could have kidnapped one person…"

"Well…"

"I knew it. Aizen's an idiot too."

"Oh! That's funny! Ah! But I shouldn't laugh at mean things like this!" Inoue bounced up and down frantically, whacking her head. "Stupid, stupid Orihime!"

The second bundle lifted its head. "Gin," it warned. "I hope those were not words of betrayal you just spoke."

"…"

"Gin?"

"…"

"Inoue-san, what's wrong with Gin?"

"Gin-chan? Why nothing… oh! Oh!"

"What is it?"

"Gin-chan has a really classic expression on his face!"

"Classic? So is he alright?"

"Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Definitely! Yes! He's oh-god-I-can't-feel-a-pulse!"

"Wh…"

"I'm going to do CPR! Watch Inoue Orihime, the greatest lifeguard of all, doing the perfect mouth-to-nose CPR! With my bronzed, muscular arms, and my huge chest muscles, I shall revive this fallen swimmer! And off I go! Inoue Orihime to the rescue!"

"Inoue-san."

"G… yes, Kaname-chan?"

"If you would get off that bit of comforter that is wrapped around Gin's throat, I think it might make him feel just a little bit better."

"Oh."

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"… Or the brown rice red bean paste could taste really good with the wasabi because the natural sweetness of brown rice would just so bring out the taste of wasabi. Or how about cherry flavoured red bean paste? Now that would be sweet, but in a really light, fruity kind of way, which would go really well with the butter because it would just feel like shortcake. It might clash with the wasabi though so…"

Ulquiorra pressed his hands against his temple and stared dully at nothing, his mouth moving slowly as if he were mumbling a prayer.

Which he was – that is, mumbling a pray.

It went something along the lines of, "Oh hail great Aizen-sama, bringer of darkness and destruction. Your loyal servant bows before thee in absolute obedience. Please deliver me from helpfulness, kindness and red bean paste. Please deliver me from cheerful, bright, smiling women who believe in giving me all my options. Please deliver me from this evil. Oh hail Aizen-sama."

Ulquiorra's eyes flickered a little as they rotated to check if the woman had been struck dead yet. Upon confirmation that the woman was still very much alive and still talking about red bean paste, his eyes immediately glazed over again and he returned to his prayer.

"Please deliver me from this evil that is this shopkeeper that is driving me insane." And just in case the god was a little slow on the uptake. "Please strike her dead with a Ceros and obliterate her entire shop and all her red bean paste into oblivion."

Yet again, Ulquiorra's eyes flickered as he once again looked to check if the woman was dead yet. Unfortunately for him, his eyes only confirmed what his ears already had – that she was still very much alive and still very much focused on red bean paste.

"Please bestow the Black Death on this woman, a mutated version that will cause her to drop dead at this very moment. Please give her a sudden heart attack such that she will die silently. Please remove her tongue that she may never speak again." And just in case the god was being a little petty at the moment. "Pretty please?"

This time, he didn't even bother to look over. He could _feel_ her digging through the various versions of red bean paste available in the shop. His concentration wavered, and the ear-block he had set up collapsed.

"Oh, but the mushroom-flavoured one is a little strong. And you must be careful they didn't put any poisonous ones in. Though I heard there's this brand where they put poisonous mushrooms that aren't fatal. The poison gives a tingling sensation on your tongue, which is supposed to be very desirable. You need a license to prepare one of those though, so you have to look out for the stamp the health authorities put on the cans to validate that the red bean paste has been…"

As quickly as possible, he set up the ear block again. Unfortunately, the damage was already done. Ulquiorra's eyes glazed over again, this time in pain as a sharp, throbbing pain started at the base of his neck and spread with amazing efficiency to the rest of his head. Without looking, he reached up into the shelves and pulled open a box of aspirins (extra fast, extra strong, with no preservatives, artificial colouring or artificial flavouring; two tablets to be taken every two to four hours, do not exceed eight tablets in one day). Silently, he emptied the whole box into his mouth and chewed up the bitter tablets.

He hiccupped, and allowed the empty box to join its fallen comrades on the floor. His eyes glazed over even more.

"Oh hail Aizen-sama, the greatest god in all of the three worlds. I praise thee with all my heart and soul." A little flattery always helped. "Thou art the saviour of all creatures, a true believer of justice and peace, the only one willing to start a war to cleanse the sins of men, women, children, hollows, Shinigami… ant-eaters. At this moment of distress, I, your faithful servant turns to you in hope of salvation. Oh, deliver me from this evil, this…" A hiccup interrupted him. "This foul beast, this creature of pure shining kindness."

Ulquiorra smiled dreamily as the excruciating pain vanished and was replaced by a very pleasant buzz. "A Ceros would be very nice," he confirmed. "Very, very nice. I like Ceroses. They are pretty. I think they are pretty because I like red. I like red much better than white. Dunno why you want us to wear white anyhow, Aizen-sama. It's such a nasty color. And it dirties so easily. I still got bloodstains on my coat. At first it looked nice because it was red, but then it dried and turned brown. Brown is ugly." As an afterthought, he added, "Oh hail, Aizen-sama."

Slowly, Ulquiorra climbed to his feet. Despite his slowness, there was a momentum to his movement. Eyes glazed, jaw slack, he ambled forward.

Even through her ramblings, the woman was immediately aware that something was wrong. "Ulquiorra-chan?" she questioned curiously.

His foot struck a can. "Oh hail Aizen-sama," he told her solemnly. "Dunno why they say that. Sounds like they want him to be hit by flying pieces of ice, don't you say?" Without waiting for a reply, he nodded to himself. "Sounds exactly like that, if you ask me. I don't know what's so nice about being hit by flying pieces of ice anyway. It has to hurt. Like hurt. As in like, real bad."

"Ulquiorra-chan? Are you alright?"

Ulquiorra smiled pleasantly at her. "Perfect," he informed her clearly. "I don't know lots of things, I realize. Like I don't know why I have to buy red bean paste. It isn't fair. It isn't. Like it isn't fair I've got such a heavy mask and Grimmjaw has this perfect, light-weight, chick-magnet mask. Of course that plus his name makes it all sound like some sort of huge joke, you know? Like Grim-jaw, and then he has this little piece of his mask at his jaw. I bet Ichimaru did that. Ichimaru's a weasel. Like I think he used to be a weasel. Before he died that is, because he sure as hell isn't a weasel now. But I'm not exactly sure about hell, because its occupants don't really interact with the other worlds, so I guess he really isn't 'sure as hell', but sure as sure can be. But, he could have been a fox though, like a real nasty little fox, the kind the British hunt with their scary dogs and rifles. Not that he would have gotten killed. He's too slippery. Not literally. It's a metaphor that." He nodded to himself again then hiccupped.

"Ah… of course, Ulquiorra-chan. Are you sure you are alright?"

"Of course." Ulquoirra told her. "All hail Aizen-sama. The ice is in that freezer." Then he sat down in a corner and started to rock himself gently.

The woman looked at him curiously, shrugged then continued her extensive tutorial on the various kinds of red bean paste available, the different methods used for preparing, cooking and serving them, as well as other random tips.

No one noticed when Ulquiorra started to hum a rather off-key rendition of _Aizen had the Hogyoku_; not even Ulquiorra himself.

And somewhere deep within the skull of said arrancar, a prettily round object with a segregated edge went _cli-clink_ as it hit the base of his cranial space.

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Just around the time pretty round objects with segregated edges were going _cli-clink_ in Ulquiorra's cranial space, Aizen Sousuke found himself stalking down the corridors of his palace in a very foul mood.

There were several reasons for said foul mood. In his highly methodological mind, Aizen Sousuke listed them out in increasing order based on the significance of their contribution to said foul mood.

Reason number one: They had run out of ginger for his ginger ale.

Reason number two: His subordinates were sick and thus unable to contribute to his plans to destroy the whole of Seireitei.

Reason number three: His subordinates were extremely whiny when they were sick, especially a certain Ichimaru Gin.

Reason number four: He had ran out of hair wax, and his fringe was now flopping all over his face once again.

Thus it was, Aizen Sousuke was scowling dangerously when he reached the room housing his sick subordinates. "You will tell me you are better," he declared. "Or I will just feed the two of you to the pet hollows some of the arrancar like to keep."

Then he blinked.

Both his subordinates were sitting up, wrapped in pink comforters and holding romance mangas in their hands. Both were peering at him over a multitude of pink bunny stitches.

"We're better," Ichimaru Gin said quickly. Tousen Kaname agreed just as quickly, nodding several times.

"Darn," Aizen muttered, highly disappointed. "Already?"

"Already," Tousen Kaname confirmed, wiping his nose with a piece of tissue. "Much better, despite the fact that Ulquoirra has yet to return with the provisional goods Inoue-san ordered."

"_Because_ Ulquiorra didn't return with the provisional goods," Ichimaru Gin muttered under his breath.

"I see," Aizen scowled. "Well, that wasted us a lot of time."

"Aw, come on, Aizen-sama," Ichimaru Gin protested cheerfully (albeit, a little nasally as well). "It's not like we wanted to catch the flu."

"And both of you _had_ to come down with it at the same time," Aizen went on, ignoring his subordinates words (because Ichimaru Gin was a subordinate, whatever he said was obviously of no significance to Aizen Sousuke in the great scheme of things). "How is it possible for both my right-hand or left-hand men to fall sick at the same time?"

"Because we share cutlery," Tousen mumbled guiltily.

"And we share cutlery because Aizen-sama refuses to allocate funds to buying more cutlery," Ichimaru mumbled a lot less guiltily.

"Since Aizen-sama has his own set of cutlery..."

"Made of silver I might add…"

"He didn't catch the virus."

Aizen Sousuke glared down at the two pink bundles in front of him. "Nonsense," he said sharply. "I did not fall sick because I am strong and the two of you are weak."

"There he goes again…"

"Shinigami are weak," Aizen said loudly so he could pretend that he didn't hear what his extremely disobedient subordinate just said. "Shinigami are so weak that it is a wonder any of them could ever face off against a hollow. They are born weak, and thus we must create a race that is beyond the Shinigami. We must erase the weakness in the Shinigami…"

"Amen," Tousen Kaname said fervently.

"Where was I…? Oh yes, Miyaki-chan was going to confess her undying love to Daidouji-kun," Ichimaru Gin said just as fervently, quickly diving back into the manga in his hand.

"It is only…" Aizen shouted. "Only when we finally erase all weakness within the Shinigami can there be peace! Only without any physical weakness can the Shinigami search for mental and emotional strength! Unfortunately, there are none, none save the great Aizen Sousuke who have seen this, and none who can accomplish it the way that I can!"

"Amen!" Tousen Kaname shouted hysterically.

"That is a totally lame way to confess! Why don't you just kiss him, you stupid girl?" Ichimaru Gin shouted just as hysterically.

"It is thus, that I must be King, King of all the Three Worlds, and Possibly Hell as well!" Aizen Sousuke shrieked. "Because I am strong, and you are not! Ah-choo!"

"Ame…."

"Yes! They kissed…"

The fervent shouts of the dark minions trailed off awkwardly as the significance of the last word (sound) their great leader said (made) sank in.

"Aizen-sama…" Tousen Kaname asked cautiously.

"Did you just sneeze?" Ichimaru Gin asked a lot less cautiously.

"Of course not!" Aizen Sousuke said sharply. "I did not… Ah-choo!"

An awkward silence settled over the trio in where Aizen Sousuke tried to stop his nose from dripping all over his face, Tousen Kaname tried to find a logical explanation (i.e. one where Aizen Sousuke was still right) for what has just happened, and where Ichimaru Gin tried not to snigger.

"It doesn't matter anyway," Aizen Sousuke croaked. "Just because I sneezed doesn't mean I'm sick. I can't be sick. I'm too strong to be… Ah-choo!"

"Sick?" Ichimaru asked, peering over the top of his romance manga at his flustered superior.

"Of course!"

"But Aizen-sama…" Tousen Kaname said miserably. "You most certainly are starting to look a little sick…"

"Am not!"

"Are too," Ichimaru shot back immediately, grinning happily away.

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"Am…"

"Gin," Tousen Kaname interrupted immediately, his brain unable to fully grasp the sight of the Great Inspirational Leader bickering like a child with an evilly grinning (possible weasel-fox reincarnation) Ichimaru Gin. "Why don't we just call Inoue-san up and ask her to verify if Aizen-sama is sick or not?"

"Not fun," Ichimaru pointed out quietly.

Tousen Kaname shook his head sagely. "Inoue-san!" he called, ignoring his roommate. "Could you come here for a moment?"

"I'm here!"

All three men displayed various signs of shock as the cheerful voice rang out from somewhere behind the bulk that was Aizen Sousuke. Grinning, the energetic bundle of doom known more commonly as Inoue Orihime skipped out of the evil lord's shadow and waved happily.

"Hello everybody!"

"Hello, Inoue-san."

"Yo."

"Go away, woman."

"Oh but that wouldn't do," Inoue said, beaming benignly (and alliteratively) at the group. "I heard that Aizen-san is sick, so I have to make sure that you stay in bed…"

"I'm not sick," Aizen said coldly, his voice promising everything from Chinese Water Torture to Being Prodded by a Very Hot Poker in Very Uncomfortable Places. "Now you will go away…"

Unfortunately for Aizen Sousuke, his death threat was promptly interrupted when Inoue Orihime stuck a thermometer into his mouth. (It was also around this time that Aizen Sousuke remembered Inoue Orihime wasn't all that great at hearing the promises his voice made.) "Mmm-mmemmm," he growled.

"Oh my," Inoue noted, with a distinct note of cheeriness in her voice, "That's a pretty high temperature, Aizen-san."

"Nonsense! I am different from the normal Shinigami! I do not fall sick!"

"You're sick," she said cheerfully. "I had a feeling you would be. The virus does spread around so. That's why I've gotten this ready!"

She held out her hands.

Aizen Sousuke looked down.

And Ichimaru Gin erupted into sniggers at the look on Aizen Sousuke's face as he contemplated the pink comforter with the pink bunnies in Inoue Orihime's hands.

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Yami had been sent back to the real world to wait for Ulquiorra. That was just fine with him, because Hueco Mundo was in a total, absolute mess at the moment.

It basically consisted of a surprisingly healthy Ichimaru Gin and an overly enthusiastic Inoue Orihime happily chasing an extremely irritated and terrified Aizen Sousuke all over the palace in an effort to wrap him in a pink blanket with pink fluffy rabbits on it. There had been a lot of calls of "Ikorose Shinsou", "Kudakero, Kyoka Suigetsu" and "Koten Zanshun, I reject", which was all rather odd in Yami's opinion (because trying to pierce a person to death was such an odd way to cure them of the flu). However, Yami had long learnt that his intellect wasn't the most advanced part of his person, and that his opinion probably didn't mean anything at all.

That didn't mean that he was stupid though. He was still smart enough to realize that the real world was probably a safer place to be in than Hueco Mundo at the moment. All those insignificant arrancar lying dead along the corridors only proved it.

So here he was, standing at the meeting point Ulquiorra and he had decided on earlier that day, shifting awkwardly and wondering just what he was supposed to do about the missing arrancar. Ulquiorra had never been late before, so Yami didn't have much experience to fall on. Logic dictated that he use Pesquiza to locate Ulquiorra and then proceed to where Ulquiorra was to retrieve him.

Experience dictated that ordering Ulquiorra about was bound to end up with him losing several body parts, not all of them as easily replaced as his arm.

So Yami was stuck where he was, twirling his fingers, shifting about on his feet, and wishing that there was someone for him to talk to (or kill, which would be just as fun). It was so awkward, standing there, looking like an idiot (though probably ninety percent of the population in the world couldn't see him, standing there doing nothing still counted as looking idiotic because Yami could _see_ himself).

"Come on, Ulquiorra," he muttered. "Show yourself. Then maybe we can go for ice-cream."

"Yami."

With a yelp, Yami jumped forward before turning around to look behind. "U… Ulquiorra!" he stammered. "For the love of Aizen-sama, you scared me there!"

"That wouldn't do, Yami. You should learn to be more alert."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Yami muttered, looking at his (more or less) partner carefully. "What took you so long?"

"I was retrieving the provisional goods," Ulquiorra said calmly, gesturing to the huge bags of food around his feet.

"Ok." Yami looked his partner up and down again. Ulquiorra looked perfectly calm and collected, like usual, but there was something wrong with him. Yami just could not put his finger on it. "Wanna go for ice-cream?"

Ulquiorra inclined his head. "That would be fine."

Even though he was no longer standing around doing nothing, Yami found his feet shifting about beneath him. There was something wrong with Ulquiorra, he could feel it. "So… what kind of ice-cream would you want?"

With a sudden jerk of his head, Ulquiorra looked up. Unconsciously, Yami took another two steps back. Had Ulquiorra's eyes always looked that… red?

"Ice-cream," Ulquiorra muttered, his voice picking up speed as he went. "Ice cream is a frozen dessert made from dairy products, such as cream or other substituted ingredients, combined with flavourings and sweeteners, such as sugar. This mixture is stirred slowly while cooling to prevent large ice crystals from forming. This results in a smooth textured ice cream. Frozen custard, yoghurt, sorbet and other similar products are also sometimes called ice-cream. This frozen dessert can be served in a cone, cup or bread. There are several different flavours we can choose from, the most basic including chocolate and vanilla. However, there are other flavours such as strawberry, mint, raspberry…"

Yami took several steps back as Ulquiorra advanced on him, his eyes gleaming maniacally.

"Belgium chocolate, dark chocolate, hazelnut, milk chocolate, white chocolate, lemon, blueberry, grape, apple, orange, caramel, yam, corn, chocolate chips in cream, chocolate chips in dark chocolate, chocolate chips in mint, cookies and cream, cookies and chocolate, coconut, green tea, sesame, wild-berry, run and raisin, yoghurt…"

Yami's back had hit an inconveniently placed wall. He cringed and tried to look as small as possible as Ulquiorra glowered before him, the petite arrancar's voice rising to a scream.

"Tiramisu! Cherry! Guava! Banana! Lime! Maple! Toffee! Coffee! Brownie and cream! Hot-fudge! Strawberry syrup! Maple syrup! Honeydew! Watermelon! Mocha! Sour Plum! Rocky Mountain! Screaming Orgasms on the Beach!"

"Stop it, Ulquiorra!" Yami yipped in terror. "What's wrong with you?"

Ulquiorra blinked and stared docilely at the towering arrancar. "What are you doing, Yami?" he questioned calmly. "Bring the goods back to Aizen-sama."

"Wh… what?"

"I said bring the goods back to Aizen-sama."

"Ok," Yami blabbered, pushing past Ulquiorra (albeit, very politely). "Ok. Goods back to Aizen-sama. That's great. I can carry everything. Everything. You just hang out and rest. Rest. That's a good idea, rest."

"Calm down, Yami," Ulquiorra said sternly. "Aizen-sama would be most disappointed to see you acting like a little child who just had a nightmare."

"Yes, yes, of course," Yami squeaked hurriedly. "Nothing wrong with me. I mean… wrong of me! I'm… me… I'm wrong. I'll just calm down like you said. Anything you say." Already, half the goods Ulquiorra had purchased were being slung over his shoulder as he scooped them up rapidly. "Come on, let's get back to Hueco Mundo, huh?"

"Of course," Ulquiorra said. "There is nowhere else I would rather go now." His eyes gleamed suddenly. "The real world is too bored."

"Bored? You mean boring?"

"Bored."

"Ok."

"We must destroy it."

"Anything you say."

"Destruction. There are many ways to destroy the real world. We can create a huge army of arrancar and Ceros the entire place into smithereens, we can trigger off World War Three and watch the real world self-destruct, we could agitate the movements of the plates and cause several massive earthquakes, we could unleash Ichimaru Gin on the world, we can…"

"Oh god, not again…"

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"How you feeling, Aizen-sama?"

"A little… _bundled _up, Gin?"

"Ah. For your own good, of course."

"I can't feel my extremities."

"Don't need them."

"I need to blow my nose."

"Can't hear you. Say 'ah'."

"A… no wait, why?"

"Open up. Orihime-chan wants me to feed you the red bean paste."

"Rubbish! That isn't red bean paste! Red bean paste isn't that colour!"

"It's… _mostly_ red bean paste."

"I am not eating that!"

"Really? Grimmjaw! Kaname!"

"Yes, Gin?"

"What's up?"

"Aizen-sama wouldn't eat his medicine."

"That's not medicine!"

"Oh no, that's not good. We shall have to feed him his medication. Come, Grimmjaw. Aizen-sama must be delirious. Hold him down there and I'll just…"

"No! No! Go away! Don't you…! I'm not eating…"

"Slow down, Gin. You don't want to choke him."

"I don't? Oh yeah… I don't."

"Gin. Your jokes go too far sometimes."

"I was joking? Uh… yeah, kind of."

"Hey, Shinigami."

"What, Arrancar?"

"Is Aizen-sama supposed to turn that colour?"

"…"

"Oh dear…"

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Author's Notes: For those who are interested, the woman and the shop really exist where I come from. Of course she isn't some kind of powerful medium. (For those who didn't get it, Ulquiorra mistook glass for reiatsu.) The products she sells do not exist though. Please do not attempt to eat red bean paste with curry or wasabi or butter. It's… not a good idea.

And, please leave a review! I love reviews…


	3. The diary of Ichimaru Gin

Hi people! I'm back with a new chapter! I don't have much to say about this chapter, so just go ahead and read it! Hope you enjoy it too!

Bleach does not belong to me.

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**Diary of Ichimaru Gin **

Seireitei is pretty; that is undeniable. There is a sort of classic Japanese charm to the place i.e. without the dirt, grime and stink of ancient Japan, that makes the place nostalgically beautiful.

Matsumoto Rangiki loved Seireitei. That was also undeniable. Part of the charm of Seireitei was its many charming bars selling plenty of charming classic Japanese sake that could not be found in Rukongai. Thus, Tenth Division fukutaichou Matsumoto Rangiku loved Seireitei with a vengeance only the people of the Eleventh Division could understand.

Yet at the same time, Matsumoto Rangiku hated Seireitei. That might have been because part of Seireitei's classic Japanese charm tended to appear in the form of plenty of classic Japanese paperwork, which for some reason or other, tended to appear specifically on Matsumoto Rangiku's desk.

It wasn't that Matsumoto Rangiku hated paperwork because she was lazy. Oh no, it had nothing to do with that. Matsumoto Rangiku always felt she was a very responsible fukutaichou. Matsumoto Rangiku hated paperwork because it was bad for the environment. Just think of how many trees had to be cut down to make the paper that formed the bulk of the concept of paperwork. Just think of how much stress the intellectual part of paperwork induced in highly-strung, highly-dangerous individuals who might decide to release the tension by having a rowdy brawl that usually results in a lot of destruction to the immediate environment. Just think of how much paperwork destroys the environment and you will understand why Matsumoto Rangiku hated paperwork so much.

Unfortunately, Matsumoto Rangiku had no say in the production of paperwork. Her rank while considered pretty high, was nowhere near high enough for her to speak her mind about issues that are significantly part of Seireitei's culture. Thus, she had to resort to the methods of the downtrodden and repressed.

Boycotting paperwork

No matter how much her taichou might yell at her or threaten her or scowl adorably at her, she would not budge on this matter. She couldn't stop the destruction of the environment, but she could do her part by not taking part in it. Once the signing stops, the paperwork will stop to, she believed. So she would not budge; it was a matter of principle.

"Matsumoto."

With a loud shriek, Matsumoto Rangiku jerked out of her daydream. With another loud shriek, she just managed to get a firm grasp of her assets before they exited from her kimono. "Taichou," she said disapprovingly. "You scared me! My boobs almost managed their grand escape!"

Behind her, Hitsugaya Toshirou, the youngest taichou in the whole of Seireitei's long history frowned menacingly. That was not unusual. All his frowns were menacing. When you have reiatsu that freezes everything within a half-mile radius and one of the most powerful ice zanpakuto around, your frowns tend to be very menacing. Thus, Matsumoto Rangiku managed to remain calm and unfazed (or as calm and unfazed as a woman whose assets have just failed to achieve freedom).

"Your… mammary glands," Hitsugaya Toshirou growled (having still not out-grown the stage where it was _gross_ to say 'breasts', 'boobs' or 'knockers'), "are none of my business."

"You're the first man to say that," Matsumoto Rangiku said solemnly, pulling her kimono over her assets (as far as it will stretch at least).

"I don't care," the mildly annoyed captain said. "You have a package."

"I know," Matsumoto Rangiku said proudly, fondling her assets affectionately.

"I _meant_," the more than a little annoyed captain growled. "You have a delivery."

"Not yet. Never been pregnant."

"Matsumoto!"

"Just joking!" Matsumot said hurriedly, climbing to her feet. "What is it anyway, this package?"

"I wouldn't know," Hitsugaya said curiously, sliding a tiny brown package out from his sleeve. "It's small. It kind of feels like a book, actually."

"More paperwork?"

"Paperwork doesn't come by the Inter-dimensional Fast Mail."

"Hmm…"

Both Matsumoto Rangiku and Hitsugaya Toshirou peered curiously as the package was swiftly unwrapped.

And a small black book was pulled out.

In actual fact, the book wasn't all that small. It was roughly the size of a grown man's palm (which isn't a very accurate description since grown men's heights differ according to race, genes and nutrition-level, but on the other hand, the size of the book doesn't really matter) The cover of the book was black, pure, matt black, and there were no inscriptions on it.

It looked like the kind of book Death would carry.

"What the…?" Matsumoto wondered, turning the plain book around. "There's nothing on it, taichou!"

"Open it," Hitsugaya replied, having failed to deny the call of the child's nature to poke their noses into anything and everything.

"Okay." Cautiously, Matsumoto Rangiku nudged the book open. And the two of them stared.

"The diary…" Hitsugaya Toshirou choked.

"Of Ichimaru Gin?" Matsumoto squealed, half-appalled that she was holding Ichimaru Gin's diary and half-delighted that she might be able to find something to blackmail the traitorous captain with.

"What on earth…" Hitsugaya gaped, staring blankly at the book. "We should, I mean… shouldn't we… tell… someone?"

"Let's read it first," Matsumoto said quickly. "So when we tell Yamamoto-soutaichou, our report will be more detailed."

Hitsugaya Toshirou swallowed hard. He balanced his Responsibility as a Captain and the his Curiosity as a Child, and gave in to the call of the child's nature. "Okay," he said hoarsely. "Just so our report will be more detailed."

"Yeah… hey, there's a note!"

"What does it say?"

"Dear Rangiku," Matsumoto Rangiku read. "Just an excerpt from my diary to let you know how I'm doing. You might find it interesting. Peace and prosperity, Gin-yo."

"Gin-yo?"

"Long story taichou," Rangiku said solemnly. "Involves two very large coconuts and a very strong throwing-arm."

Hitsugaya Toshirou's mind whirled. By nature, he was a very imaginative child. After all, it takes a lot of imagination to achieve bankai. Matsumoto Rangiku's words conjured a lot of unpleasant images to his mind. There was nothing to be had of that; his mind conjured unpleasant images every five seconds. All he could do now was try to take his mind off the unpleasant images.

"Just read the diary," he scowled. "Let's see what this screwed-up lunatic is doing up in Hueco Mundo."

**Diary of Ichimaru Gin (just for you Rangiku – insert cheery wave) **

**7.30 a.m. **

Ok, I am up early today. Usually I sleep till nine at least, but today's different. I've got lots of things to do, and none of them are for the good of Hueco Mundo. Why? Because I am sick of this place! It's so boring! It's all deserts and sand… and I can only do sandcastles so many times before I get bored of them. It took about ten sandcastles for me to realize that even if you alter the towers, the shape of the windows, or even the position of the doors, a sandcastle is essentially still a sandcastle, and that they are boring to build.

If you haven't figured it out yet, last night I had a nightmare about sandcastles.

They tried to eat me.

**7.45 a.m. **

Note to self: Get Ulquiorra to buy more toothpaste.

Second note to self: Don't get Ulquiorra to buy more toothpaste. The rattling in his head is starting to become annoying.

Third note to self: Get Yami to buy more toothpaste.

**7.46 a.m. **

I hate peeing in the urn. If I miss, I have to clean up myself. And the urns are tiny. I think we should just use the window instead. It's nice and big. Unfortunately, the window is in the corridor, not in my room, and I have a problem with dropping my pants where anyone might suddenly walk past. Besides, the window opens up to the courtyard where Aizen-sama sometimes holds his propaganda events. Wouldn't really do for an accident to happen now, would it? I like my head on my neck just fine.

On the other hand… it's early and there's no one up yet so…

**7.50 a.m.**

Woo, I'm a closet exhibitionist!

Hmm… isn't that an oxymoron or something?

**7.51 a.m. **

Yup, it's an oxymoron.

**7.52 a.m. **

I've got to hurry if I want to carry out my prank. I always thought Hueco Mundo needed more life. Well… technically we are a bit over-populated with arrancar now, because Aizen-sama is a little… addicted to using Hogyoku. However, arrancar _have_ to be the most boring creatures ever born.

Well… perhaps they are a little better than hollow, who do nothing but float, eat, roar, eat and get killed.

Anyway, my prank...

**8.00 a.m. **

I went all the way to Aizen-sama's room and woke him up to tell him he had another hour to sleep so he could go back to sleep again. I just couldn't resist it. In hindsight, it's probably fortunate he was so sleepy he thought I was one of those low-level arrancar because once I pull my next prank it wouldn't do for him to remember that I was up earlier than usual today.

I seriously prefer my head on my neck. I think my hair complements my neck.

Now, where's that beer I ordered using Kaname's name?

**8.30 a.m. **

Ha, that was easier than expected. Aizen-sama obviously does not expect anyone to turn on him since the kitchen had zero guards. And he claims he knows me so well. This should teach him a lesson… though if things go well, he wouldn't know I was the one who did it. Now, I've got to dispose of all the evidence before anyone wakes up.

**8.33 a.m. **

Damn it all! Why is Ulquiorra up so early? I know he hasn't been sleeping well since that influenza incident (hadn't been quite right in the head either) but still… There is no way I am sneaking past him without him noticing me. My… _evidence_ is a little… obvious, even to one whose head _clinks_ when he moves it.

…

Why is he staring at the garbage disposal area like it is the most beautiful thing on earth?

**8.45 a.m. **

Ok… that was disturbing. I can't believe Ulquiorra just did that. That had to have caused some sort of imbalance in the Universe or something…

Anyway, I finally got to dispose of the evidence. Now I just need to wait till breakfast to watch the results of my first prank.

**9.15 a.m. **

I had to convince Aizen-sama and Kaname the odd taste in the food was a new seasoning Inoue-san ordered from the real world. Then I had to convince them I wasn't eating because I was still feeling the flu.

Oh god, this is so worth it.

I've never heard Kaname _giggle_ before.

**9.17 a.m. **

In hindsight this wasn't such a great idea after all. Drunk arrancar are a very nasty bunch. They are even worse than the Eleventh Divi… oh god, that eyeball almost got me!

Ok, I am going to my room to hide. I don't want any nasty stains on my clothes.

**9.18 a.m. **

I _would_ go to my room to hide if the corridor wasn't crowded with arrancar _eating_ each other. Oh dear… I seriously hope Aizen-sama never finds out I was the one who sneaked the beer into breakfast. Well… anyway he says as long as the Espada exist, nothing else really matters so…

Oh god… arrancar liver…

I need to puke.

**9.19 a.m. **

Where's my urn?

**9.20 a.m. **

Never mind my urn. I settled it by puking out of the window.

Told you windows are more convenient.

**9.21 a.m. **

Oh dear… I think I eh… _hit_… Aizen-sama's statue in the courtyard…

Please dear lord high above (whom Aizen-sama says doesn't exist), don't let Aizen-sama discover I was the one who did all this. I've seen the way he looks at that statue. There's some serious _love_ going on between the two of them. I shudder to think what they do together when they are alone.

**9.30 a.m. **

Thank god arrancar sober up easily. Now the corridors are littered with hung-over arrancar (and little pieces of ex-arrancar). At least they aren't trying to eat each other.

Aizen-sama and Kaname aren't faring as well (or maybe they are faring better, since they are still at that drunk state rather than that post-drunk state), which is just as well, because I doubt they would be very happy with what the palace looks like now.

Now, to carry out the second half of the Breakfast prank.

**9.35 a.m. **

These are _huge_. Kaname's so going to freak when he finds them on his bed. I feel sorry for Orihime-chan, but she can go blame Aizen-sama for refusing to let me build that movie theatre so I can watch chick flicks.

**9.40 a.m. **

Kindly offered to help Kaname back to his room. At the same time, I arranged for Orhime-chan to meet us at his room to ease his hang-over.

The look on their faces when they saw Orihime-chan's lingerie on Kaname's bed was hilarious.

**9.41 a.m. **

Orihime-chan can pack a really hard punch.

**9.42 a.m. **

And a really hard kick.

**9.43 a.m. **

I think Kaname's never going to father a child – not that it's any of my business.

**10.00 a.m. **

I've been awake for less than five hours and I have managed to pull off three pranks. The beer prank, the bra prank and the pink prank.

Oh, you mean you haven't heard about the pink prank?

It's the one where Orihime-chan's favourite pink pen somehow ended up with the Espada's laundry in the wash, turning all their uniforms pink.

My name is Gin; watch me grin.

Hmm… that was corny.

**11.00 a.m. **

I was bored so I went and set off all the alarms in the palace. The consequences were… extremely satisfactory.

I've never seen Grimmjaw react like _that _before. Well… of course he was still nursing a hang-over, and really shouldn't be responding in any way to any alarm… but Grimmjaw wouldn't be Grimmjaw if he didn't do exactly what he shouldn't be doing.

Still, the "Kurosaki Ichi-what-the-hell-are-the-stairs-doing-hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… Ow… the fuck…" was pretty funny.

**11.15 a.m. **

Personally, I seldom think of myself as being discriminatory. That's because I discriminate against everyone equally, which should make me the fairest person in the world. However, I'm starting to suspect I'm being influenced by Aizen-sama's male-chauvinistic tendencies because I think I'm becoming a little sexist lately. No one is going to believe me, but I haven't even played one prank on Orihime-chan yet (the bra one was a prank on Kaname, not Orihime-chan; she was just a tool). Not only that, I haven't even _thought_ about playing a prank on her.

I think I have to go correct that.

**11.20 **

Admittedly, the frog in the bed idea is an extremely over-used idea. It's something that I have done myself several times when I was younger to Rangiku. (I suspect that's the reason why Rangiku is actually less afraid of most spiders, frogs, cockroaches and other creepy-crawlies than her taichou is.) Nonetheless, it is still a very entertaining trick to use.

Unfortunately, I had a little difficulty locating a suitably sized frog/spider/cockroach in Hueco Mundo (the only vaguely frog-like thing I found was a Hollow that was twice the size of Yami, and four times the size of Orihime-chan's bed).

So, I settled for using Aizen-sama's Kyoka Suigetsu instead. (No one knows it but that zanpakuto is so blind it can't tell the difference between one Shinigami and the other. I just have to talk with a nasally-accent and it thinks I'm Aizen-sama.

Anyway, that was the first time I have seen terror turn to surprise and then to glee so quickly.

Apparently, Orihime-chan likes big, slimy leeches.

**11.21 a.m. **

Someone has to help me persuade Orihime-chan return the 'leech' before Aizen-sama wakes up from his hang-over and realize his zanpakuto is missing.

**11.22 a.m. **

Help? Anybody?

**11.25 a.m. **

Help from somebody who doesn't want to eat Orihime-chan?

**11.46 a.m. **

Thank god I got Kyoka Suigetsu back… though I can't believe I exchanged Shinsou for a 'leech'.

**11.47 a.m. **

I exchanged Shinsou for a 'leech'.

**11.48 a.m. **

I want Shinsou back! I miss Shinsou! Give me back my Shinsou! I'm going to cry if Shinsou doesn't return to me! I feel… feel unbalanced without Shinsou! I'm walking with a forty-five degree slant to the right of my backbone without Shinsou! I need it back! Shinsou! I love you! Come back to me!

**11.50 a.m. **

Wow… apparently crying and throwing a tantrum works on Orihime-chan.

I have to make her promise she wouldn't tell anyone.

**11.57 a.m. **

Too late, she told Grimmjaw. I'm going to kill him now.

**12.01 a.m. **

No! Oh no! The filthy arrancar has gotten hold of my baby! Give me back Shinsou! Give it back to me! I want Shinsou! I want Shinsou! I'm going to cry! I'm going to throw a bitch fit! I'm going to… don't you dare dangle Shinsou outside the window, you filthy arrancar! Shinsou's afraid of heights! Give my Shinsou back to me! That's it! You've gone too far! Let me show you how we fight in Rukongai!

**12.03 a.m. **

Hmm… it kind of looks like Grimmjaw's never going to father a child ever either – not that arrancar can have children or anything like that.

**12.04 a.m. **

And no, I am not apologizing, Orihime-chan. He _touched_ Shinsou.

**12.10 a.m. **

I have discovered my greatest weakness. It is women with orange hair and big boobs who are experts at pulling puppy eyes.

With Orihime-chan's help, I have discovered that there are all kinds of pinky stuff in the world. There has been the pinky-promise, the pinky-thank-you, the pinky-please, the pinky-welcome and the pinky-farewell.

Apparently, now there's the pinky-apology.

At least Grimmjaw had to do it as well.

But I think I was the more embarrassed one. I mean, what the hell, that arrancar has _baby-blue_ hair.

**12.11 a.m. **

There's an unhappy truce between us now. It's the basically the kind of unhappy truce warring men have when forced to do embarrassing things by a happily smiling beautiful woman. (It's incidentally, the same kind of truce women have when faced with "that insensitive, rude, son of a bitch who doesn't love me anymore" man.)

Basically, it's kind of settled unofficially, that if we see each other on the corridors, we will pretend we _didn't_ see each other.

**12.12 a.m. **

Didn't see him. Didn't see anybody.

**12.15 a.m. **

Didn't see him. There ain't nobody around but me.

**12.17 a.m. **

Didn't see him.

**12.20 a.m. **

Didn't… What the… is he stalking me or something? Is he stalking me? Are you stalking me?

Oh… right, there's only one corridor away from Orihime-chan's room and we're both walking on it. I so totally believe you, zanpakuto-molestor!

**12.30 a.m. **

Yay! He's gone. Pah! Enough of this thing with Grimmjaw and Orihime-chan. I'm sure I've got better things to do than…

Oh damn it all! I've still got Kyoka Suigetsu with me! Please let Aizen-sama still be asleep! I still have fantasies of having a baby with Rangiku! Don't let Aizen-sama ruin that dream!

**12.33 a.m. **

Aizen-sama's awake! Fortunately, he's not even coherent. I'll just slip Kyoka Suigetsu gently… gently…

**12.34 a.m. **

I told Aizen-sama Ulquiorra was the one who took his zanpakuto, and I don't even feel guilty about it.

Ulquiorra has only himself to blame for always being so mean to me.

**1.30 p.m. **

This day is going so slowly now! It's great I made up all these plans; it's bad no one is sufficiently awake enough to fall victim to them. No one fun at least. I could pull a prank on Ulquiorra, but he's busy being tortured in the torture chambers now!

I know! I'll go down and help them!

**1.40 p.m. **

Oh god… isn't he supposed to… _die_ when you do that to him? I've never seen a living human… human-shaped thing look like that before… I mean, I have seen dead ones look like that in the Twelfth Division laboratories… but living ones… not even Mayuri can do that.

And he's still conscious… oh my…

**1.41 p.m. **

He just winked at me! Dear lord, he just winked at me!

And then his eyeball dropped out!

I can't figure out if I'm feeling more homophobic or more disgusted right now… oh look, his eyeball's growing back! That is so cool!

**1.54 p.m. **

Ok, this is so gross, but I am absolutely fascinated with that thing hanging out of Ulquiorra's… eh… well, hanging out of the hole in his neck. I've never seen one of those before on either a hollow or an arrancar. What is it? It looks like it doesn't have any function at all.

I wonder what would happen if I pulled it.

**1.55 p.m. **

Oh loving god of mercy! He's head just… it just… it just… oh god… it just…

Did it just do that?

**1.56 p.m. **

Hmm… this is actually… kind of fun…

I wonder what happens if I pull harder?

**1.57 p.m. **

Oh lord, I didn't mean to do that! I swear, I didn't! I just pulled a little harder and… oh gross! It's all over my shoes!

Okay, I didn't see anything. I'll just… walk away…

Sorry Ulquiorra. Hopefully someone who knows eh… what part is supposed to go where will come by and… do something… eh… bye.

**3.00 p.m. **

Look, another sandcastle! I can now add this to the three hundred and thirty-three other sandcastles that I have built ever since I came here.

…

I am so bored…

**3.30 p.m. **

Aizen-sama and Kaname are awake! Thank the highest lord above for beer. Kaname doesn't even remember the bra incident, which means he's guard isn't up. He is, of course, rather curious about the dull, aching pain in a very… delicate region, but I'm not going to enlighten him.

Instead, I mentioned to Aizen-sama _very casually_ that I had seen the both of them wandering off together after breakfast, and that I was _oh so puzzled_ where they had disappeared off to.

It's hilarious the way they are avoiding each other now.

**3.45 p.m. **

There has to be a smarter prank I can think of than sneaking chili into the pretty little cupcakes they are serving now. Besides, I've already laced breakfast with beer already, so I should try something else that doesn't involve food.

Hmm…

Ah well, who cares.

Besides, this is definitely a prank I can get away with.

_"Oh, I don't think it was an accident Aizen-sama. Maybe Orihime-chan baked those cupcakes!" _

Damn, I'm good at this.

**3.46 p.m. **

Note to self: Avoid eating cupcakes you laced personally with chili even if your victim is coughing, choking and demanding suspiciously why you were the only one who didn't eat the cupcakes, in a very menacing fashion (i.e. with the general brandishing of zanpakuto etc).

Forced enemas _without_ anesthesia have to be better than this.

Hmm… I wonder…

**3.50 p.m. **

Whoa, I have never seen an arrancar do that before! Is that considered an implosion or an explosion I wonder.

In any case, I now have confirmation. Forced enemas without anesthesia are slightly better than eating cupcakes with chili. Though they both have roughly the same effect on the living body, the effects of a forced enemas are a little more… _abundant_.

I need to go wash my shoes again.

**4.47 p.m. **

Aizen-sama asked me where half the arrancar have gone to – specifically, about three quarters of those lower-end arrancar (which, earlier this day, if you still remember, got eaten by the stronger arrancar). I told him they defected to the Shinigami side.

That was an extremely evil and devious thing to do because it almost gave him a heart attack since he had never considered the possibility of Soul Society actually agreeing to endure the existence of the arrancar, if said arrancar promised to help them fight Aizen Sousuke and his Evil Minions.

So sue me; he burst in on me when I was taking a bath, and he didn't even _apologise_. Now is that rude or what? I have half the mind to set Orihime-chan on him.

**4.48 p.m. **

Hmm… Orihime-chan huh?

**5.13 p.m. **

Someone tell me I'm evil for telling Orihime-chan that Aizen-sama feels uncomfortable and needs whatever home-made remedies she has at hand.

Let me hear a, "hell yeah!"

**5.56 p.m. **

A riot has broken out. Aizen-sama is convinced there a traitor amongst us, one who has spiked the food, stolen the vast majority of his arrancar, and did strange things to Ulquiorra in the torture room.

Right now, wrapped in a pink comfortable and with Orihime-chan shoving ambiguously coloured goo down his throat, he has ordered Kaname and me to locate the traitor.

It's definitely strange how he never ever suspects me when I am up to something.

Must be how cute and innocent I look.

**6.04 p.m. **

Bad news. Someone has put Ulquiorra together again, and he is now crawling (actually, more like wriggling) on his stomach to Aizen-sama's room to inform him of the identity of the 'traitor' i.e. me.

In fact, he has reached Aizen-sama's room already, and I cannot do anything about it because I am _in_ Aizen-sama's room by Aizen-sama's orders. He has already told me that he wants me to kill the traitor the moment Ulquiorra reveals his identity.

**6.05 p.m. **

It's a little late now, but I guess I should start writing down my will. I don't have many personal belongings, having left most back in Soul Society. Ok, let's see what I've got. I've got three arrancar suits, which I think I shall send to Ishida Uryuu in the real world just because it's funny. All my black kimonos shall go to… hmm… I don't know… Kira Izuru? He's about the right size for them. And of course, there's my urn. My urn can go to Aizen-sama. It hasn't been emptied today.

And Shinsou goes to Soi Fong because Shinsou has a crush on Suzumebachi. There, now no one can say I don't care about my darling Shinsou. Even if I have to die a virgin, I will not drag you down with me.

**6.07 p.m. **

There he is, the bane of my existence, Ulquiorra. I think I shall smile at him.

Oh… he's eyes are still missing. Too bad he can't see the way I'm smiling at him now. I've killed cockroaches with this smile of mine.

**6.13 p.m. **

Ulquiorra has told Aizen-sama the identity of the traitor.

It is, to quote that arrancar, "Someone who disguised himself as Ichimaru-sama."

It's definitely strange how no one suspects me.

**6.17 p.m. **

Kaname is giving me odd "looks" (he can't really give me a "look" given that he can't "look" by default of him being blind). I think he suspects something.

Right now is probably a good time to casually ask him if the pain in between his legs is still there.

**6.19 p.m. **

That was funny.

Now is probably a good time to mention the wonders of suggestion. Merely by suggesting that some _accident_ has happened between the two of them during their period of amnesia has led Aizen-sama to believe that he can feel a strange pain in between his legs as well.

I _love_ the power of suggestion.

And look, it's time for dinner! I wonder if I can pull another… nah, too risky.

**6.20 p.m. **

Oh lovely heavens above! It's unagi for dinner! I am definitely not spoiling dinner because…

Why does the unagi have red bean paste in it?

**6.21 p.m. **

Oh right… Orihime-chan cooked it…

**7.00 p.m. **

The amazing traitor strikes again! He had put a fart-cushion on Aizen-sama's throne which went off when Aizen-sama sat down to do his daily propaganda event in front of all the (remaining) arrancar.

And yet again, the power of suggestion kicks in. The moment the cushion went off, the first row of arrancar fainted because they _believed_ that the air was now so foul no living creature should be able to breathe it and still remain conscious.

The moment the first row of arrancar fainted, the other arrancar further from the throne, who were not close enough to hear the cushion immediately jumped to the conclusion that an enemy had attacked Hueco Mundo. A general surveying of the area however, revealed no foreign reiatsu. This then led to the conclusion that dinner had been poisoned (which it _was_, spoiling good unagi like that…). Groans and moans filled the air as the arrancar collapsed, believing that they were all now dying from a fast acting neuron-toxin.

They are all going to be so embarrassed later.

**7.08 p.m. **

And I was right.

It's ironic, given that Aizen-sama's speech started with, "My indestructible arrancar…"

Indestructible as they may be, no one is strong enough to withstand an attack by Ichimaru Gin.

**8.45 p.m. **

Grimmjaw is currently being tortured as part of the interrogation regarding his role in the embarrassment of Aizen-sama and his arrancar. I feel the greatest amount of pity for my scapegoat.

I think I shall go help them torture him.

**9.06 p.m. **

As part of my running experiment, I went and told Aizen-sama that I was the one who did all those devious and evil pranks to him and his arrancar, and that I was truly sorry for it.

He told me to stop joking around and continue torturing Grimmjaw.

I'm starting to get a complex here.

**10.13.p.m. **

Grimmjaw has been absolved of all suspicion. That would be because the real traitor decided that it would be really funny to make Kyoka Suigetsu look like Aizen-sama's mutilated corpse and stick it where everyone can see it. Fortunately for Grimmjaw, he was busy being tortured then so no one believes he was involved in it.

I'm so kind, don't you think, to help Grimmjaw clear his name?

**10.38 p.m. **

The whole place is in an uproar! I'm so excited! I've never had so many excuses in my life to wander into places I'm not really supposed to go into. Wanna know how many times I broke into various arrancar's rooms just for the fun of it?

I've broken into Ulquiorra's room twenty-four times on the excuse of hunting for the traitor in his room. It's funny how he freezes and glares at me every time I burst in pirate-style (you know, brandishing Shinsou and screaming, "I've found you, ya bow-legged, barnacle-chewing, gunpowder-addicted traitor!" in a very menacing fashion).

Personally, I think he's embarrassed about being seen regenerating. It's a very private affair that, regenerating.

I think I shall burst in a few more times.

**11.00 a.m. **

Aizen-sama has given up. The whole of his palace has been scourged from east to west, north to south… along the x, y and z-axis and so on, but no one can locate the "traitor".

If you ask me, I've say the traitor is currently making himself comfortable in his bed and writing in his diary.

It was so fun today, and I just hope no one ever decides to read my diary.

Hmm…

I should do this again tomorrow.

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Slowly, Matsumoto Rangiku put the diary down and gazed thoughtfully in the air. Opposite her, Hitsugaya Toshirou sat down on the floor and stared at his knees. Then they looked at each other.

"Yamamoto-soutaichou…" Hitsugaya Toshirou said weakly.

"Yama…"

Both of them swallowed. Then they shot to their feet.

"Soutaichou!" Matsumoto shrieked, tearing down the corridors of the division.

"Yamamto-soutaichou!" Hitsugaya screamed, sprinting as fast as he could. "We've done it! We've done it!"

"We've found a way to destroy Aizen Sousuke for good!"

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The third problem with Hueco Mundo: Ichimaru Gin. Ha ha. I love this chapter.

Don't forget to drop a review!


	4. Time does not stand still

Okay, just a few notes here.

First, I must emphasize again that my fics are written strictly for fun and not to offend people. Please read my fics with a sense of humour and don't take things written in here seriously.

Secondly, someone named "…" asked what is the rattling in Ulquiorra's head. Uh… it's the screws loose in his skull… (I know, I know! It sounds totally lame when I say it explicitly!).

Lastly, thank you so much to my readers for being so supportive, and I know this took some time to come out, but hopefully, it's a good chapter!

I do not own bleach.

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**Time does not stand still **

Imagine, if you can, an endless stretch of sand; a dry, cruel desert; a deserted, desolated world. With your mind's eye, see yourself standing on the spot at the furthest southern corner of the desert (and thus, by default, imagine that this deserted, desolated world is flat, if not there is no way you could possibly stand at the furthest southern corner of it). Now, with the same mind's eye (or eyes, if you are starting to feel a little dizzy with looking through one eye), look straight north. Strain a little if you must. Strain a little more… and finally, with your mind's eye (or eyes) squinted, you would see a tall, towering, white palace.

It is, by no means, a good-looking palace, in the sense that you probably would not expect to see handsome knights in white armour riding out of the palace on majestic white horses. (If you are looking for handsome shinigami in white coats riding illegally on wild, untamed hollows without their king knowing then perhaps you might spot one because there is only one.) However, it is an imposing palace, made more imposing by the significant lack of any other tall structures (or any structures) around it.

Also, no matter how fast you run, it seems to take forever to actually reach the front door, and when you do reach the front door, chances are you will be eaten by a very scary sand-thing that is in actual fact an arrancar and a lot of sand (which is confusing, because hollows are dead souls that went bonkers, so this should be an arrancar of the soul of dead sand, which then begets the question of how sand can die and how exactly then life should be defined if even sand can die and… well, you get the point). Either way, this raises the issue of _not_ getting too close to the front door of this structure, which of course explains the need to stand at the farthest corner away from this structure. (Also, it gives you a better view of this imposing palace.)

In this great imposing palace, stuck like a white, sterile and highly dangerous nuclear plant in the middle of a deserted, stormy, dangerous world, time appears to stand still.

The truth is, it doesn't.

That is, time doesn't stop (because time's a bitch in that way).

And that can be a very huge problem.

A very huge problem indeed.

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"Grimmjaw," Aizen scowled. "What is the meaning of this?"

Said arrancar stared at the mess of blood, gore and other random arrancar bits lying at his feet and tried not to pout. "Sorry, Aizen-sama," he mumbled, trying out the arrancar version of 'puppy eyes' (which most sane people _do not want to see_).

"How," Aizen growled. "Does an apology make you killing your servants any better?"

"I didn't mean it," Grimmjaw mumbled, shuffling his feet. "We were just trying to have a game of Strip Poker see, but then when Ana… no… Beuti… no… ah… whoever this piece of arrancar is… was… well, anyway, she… he… it… didn't want to take off his… hers… its… you know… and then Pati… no… Patti… no… Patty… ah whatever… got mad… and he… she… it… attacked Ana… or Beuti or whatever… and I tried to stop them, only I forgot that my reiatsu is kind of strong see… so when I let out some reiatsu to cool them down, I ended up blowing up everyone instead."

Aizen Sousuke groaned. "How many times have I told you to keep your reiatsu to yourself, Grimmjaw?" he snapped.

"Three hundred thousand, four hundred and thiry-five times, Aizen-sama."

"And you still haven't understood it?"

"Well…" Grimmjaw pouted. "It's just… I haven't been in a fight in a while… and an arrancar's got this urges you see, so I just unthinkingly… let out some reiatsu… and…"

"Arg… never mind…" Aizen frowned. "At least those were just a couple of low-level arrancar slaves."

"Yes, Aizen-sama. I'm sorry, Aizen-sama."

"That doesn't excuse you! To the torture room."

"Again?"

"Yes, aga… how many times have I sent you there already today?"

"Twenty-seven times, Aizen-sama."

Aizen Sousuke shook his head. "You!" he grumbled. "Trouble-maker!"

"But it isn't just me," Grimmjaw complained. "Yami got sent there forty-four times! And even Ulquiorra's been in there five times already. And if Ichimaru G… I mean, Ichimaru-sama was able to regenerate with super-human speed, you would have sent him there like three thousand times already."

There was a brief pause as Aizen Sousuke took time to think this over. Then he draped himself over the couch in Grimmjaw's room.

Grimmjaw swallowed hard. He knew what was going to happen next. Aizen-sama was going to be Nice, but he was not going to _be_ Nice. He was just going to talk to Grimmjaw in a friendly tone, and every time Aizen-sama talked to Grimmjaw in a friendly tone, Grimmjaw lost an arm. He hated it when Aizen-sama was being Nice.

"Come, Grimmjaw," Aizen Sousuke said benignly. "Come. Sit next to me. Let's have a talk, just you and I. It's been such a long time since we've talked hasn't it. I must apologize for that, for I've been busy. You must forgive your Father for this."

"Yes Aizen-sama…" Grimmjaw mumbled in a low voice as he sat at the furthest edge of the couch.

"Now Grimmjaw," Aizen Sousuke said gently. "Obviously there is something going on here. Why have all my arrancar been behaving so irrationally? Even Ulquiorra has accidentally murdered his bath attendants today. Why, he had to draw the hot water himself! You must tell me what is going on so I can help you and your brothers… sisters… siblings."

"Well…" Grimmjaw hesitated.

"Yes, my child?"

"It's just… you know…" Grimmjaw swallowed hard again and took the plunge. "We are all bored, Aizen-sama."

"Bored?"

"Yes," Grimmjaw went on, encouraged by the fact that he hadn't lost his arm yet. "We have nothing to do here, Aizen-sama, but train ourselves, and we can't train ourselves all the time. There isn't even anything to hunt and stuff like that, because the Hollow population has been declining partly due to the fact that you keep using Hogyoku to transform them. Plus most of us haven't gotten into a good fight in _ages_, and we've got all this wild urges to just kill something, you know… all this desires and tensions… so everything just erupts sometimes… and you've got this mess you see here and…"

"Wait, wait," Aizen Sousuke said roughly then remembered he was supposed to be Nice and lowered his voice. "You mean to say, my dear child, that boredom is driving my precious arrancar to such destructive behaviour?"

"Yes, Aizen-sama."

"I see," Aizen said sagely. "It's the Gin-Syndrome, isn't it?"

"Yes, Aizen-sama."

"Ah, I understand," Aizen Sousuke announced – then cut off Grimmjaw's arm.

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"This is all your fault."

Ichimaru Gin looked blankly at the man glaring at him in indignant rage. "What is my fault?" he asked curiously.

"The fact that my arrancar are bored," Aizen Sousuke said spitefully. "It's making them kill each other!"

"How is that my fault?" Ichimaru Gin whined. "I didn't make them bored!"

"They've got your syndrome, Gin!"

"What syndrome?"

"The Gin-Syndrome!"

"That isn't my syndrome! It's just a name you made up on your own!"

"Yes, and I'm god, which means if I say it's the Gin-Syndrome, it had so better _be_ the Gin-Syndrome!"

Ichimaru Gin scowled and tried to think of a way to refute that statement without destroying Aizen Sousuke's delusions of grandeur. "Well, I don't like your hair either," he shot back.

"Come now," Tousen Kaname said hurriedly before the conflict got out of hand. "Gin, don't insult Aizen-sama's hair…"

"Yeah, don't!"

"And Aizen-sama, don't push the blame to the nearest person you can think of."

"Ha, in the face, Aizen-sama!"

Tousen Kaname hurriedly pushed the pair apart. "Aizen-sama, this is not productive," he said calmly. "Come, if the arrancar are bored, let's just think of a way to make them… _not_ bored."

Aizen Sousuke shook off his subordinate and smoothed his hair back. "That's your job," he snapped irritatedly. "You and Gin! Think of ways to keep the arrancar entertained! I am going to bed to nurse my headache!"

"Yes Aizen-sama."

"Whatever."

The moment the Great Leader Who will Lead us on the Path to the Least Bloodshed (GLWLOPLB or GLOB for short) left the room, Ichimaru Gin sank back onto a conveniently placed piece of cement and scowled. "Well, any ideas?" he asked.

"Scheming is your job, Gin. I am only good for fighting, punishing arrancar and finding ways to justify our actions."

"Right," Ichimaru Gin acknowledged. "Okay… let's think about it. What are the factors involved in this situation? Bored arrancar…"

"Arrancar filled with unholy desires to kill something…"

"Arrancar with too much reiatsu…"

"And a world where there is not much entertainment."

"Hmm…" Ichimaru Gin frowned deeply. "That does create something of a problem now, doesn't it? We have to find something for this arrancar to do that occupies a lot of time… but then coming up with something like that would require some thought on my part."

Tousen Kaname nodded wisely. "Yes," he agreed, simply because he felt that his input was necessary since Aizen-sama had ordered _both_ of them to think of a solution.

"So," Ichimaru Gin went on, his face brightening up. "We think of a short-term solution first, you know, just to staunch the slaughter of random low-level arrancar."

"Yes," Tousen Kaname agreed, for the same reason as that above.

"And…" Ichimaru Gin went on, his face darkening suddenly with malicious delight. "I think I've got just the right thing…"

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"Hueco Mundo Theatre?" Aizen Sousuke said incredulously, reading the huge pink banner that now hung over the majestic front door of his palace. "Kaname, what is this?"

"Ask Gin."

"Fine! Gin, what is this?"

"The Hueco Mundo Theatre." Smiling, Ichimaru Gin presented a huge, helium-filled balloon to his master.

"Yes, I can read that!" Aizen snapped, taking the balloon absent-mindedly. "Is this your plan, Gin, for the bored arrancar?"

"Only short-term," Ichimaru said cheerfully. "You know… entertain them for a couple of days until I find a real good solution."

"That is all fine," Aizen Sousuke grumbled, unwilling to admit that he _did_ have some fond childhood memories of going to see a play. "But where the hell did you find a theatre group?"

"I didn't."

"What?"

"Or rather, I did."

"Gin…"

"Whoa!" Ichimaru Gin took a quick step back. "Hold the zanpakuto, Aizen-sama! You'll burst the balloons! It took me hours to find a helium pocket in the desert, you know? You burst these and we wouldn't have enough helium for any more balloons. Not since someone's taken to stealing helium from those natural helium pockets."

Aizen Sousuke looked at the multi-coloured balloons floating cheerily above Ichimaru Gin's head, and his heart softened. "Fine. You've better have a good explanation for this!"

"_We_ are the theatre act, Aizen-sama," Ichimaru Gin said proudly.

"You and Kaname?" Aizen Sousuke gasped incredulously.

"Well… Kaname… me… you?"

"Never!" Aizen Sousuke roared.

"Well… then Kaname and me," Ichimaru Gin shrugged.

"Gin," Tousen said in a low voice trembling with rage. "You never told me that!"

"It's for Aizen-sama!" Ichimaru Gin replied, and in doing so, lied straight through his teeth.

"But…" Tousen Kaname whimpered. "I get stage-frights! You know when we were rising above Soul Society to enter Hueco Mundo and everyone was staring at us? I was _shaking_! I mean, it was like they _expected_ me to say something! When Aizen-sama told us we would be rising to the heavens in true evil lord style, I almost fainted! God, I don't even know what we are going to do and I'm already nervous!"

"Chill dude," Ichimaru Gin grinned. "It's simple, you know! Besides, you will be all in costume and face-paint and masks, you know? Pretend you are someone else or something, like in… well… your fantasies."

"I've never fantasized about being someone else."

"Not even in… you know… sex fantasies?"

"Never! If I were someone else then I wouldn't be the one getting laid, right?"

"Eh… right…" Ichimaru Gin cleared his throat. "Anyway, just bear with it. I can't be the theatre all by myself. I'm not Shiba Ganju, you know?"

Tousen Kaname took a deep breath. "Okay," he said in a hoarse voice. "For Aizen-sama."

"Attaboy!" Ichimaru Gin grinned. "Now, we just wait for Orihime-chan to be done and then we can start doing our act."

"Inoue-san? She's in it too?"

"Yeah. She's doing the costumes and some of the acts."

Tousen Kaname shuffled his feet, wondering if he should sigh in relief or sigh in despair. Absent-mindedly, he handed out a balloon with the invitation attached to it to a passing arrancar. Well, after all, their chief-schemer, Ichimaru Gin, was the one who thought of this idea. Surely he had thought every factor through.

So what could go wrong?

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Nell Tu was lost.

Well, not really.

Nell Tu was _pretending _to be lost so she could cry and wail until her brothers found her. That was all part of being a masochist, the crying, wailing and intentionally harming yourself. (Only, Nell Tu never really intentionally harmed herself because she really didn't like knives and or being chained up and stuff like that.)

Either way, Nell Tu was not really lost. It is a little bit difficult to get lost around Las Nosches, if only because recently someone had erected signs all over the palace and palace grounds in Hollow-language indicating which part of the palace the person was at.

Currently, Nell Tu was at "Grunt, grunt, roar, roar, evil scheming laughter", which in human spoken language would be "The Evil Lord's Garden". She intended to head over to "Roar, grunt, grudging growl of approval, grunt" (Nice-Smelling Wilted Bush) and stare blankly at the sign board as a gesture of her utter lack of ability to find her way around Hueco Mundo.

"Where are you, my most beloved brothers!" Nell wailed. "Oh alas, alas! Should thou abandon thy dearest sister to the ravages of the desert? Should thou abandon thy sister to rapacious monsters which would spare no mercy in relieving me of my virginity, of which existence I'm not even sure of? Alas, alas, and again – alas!"

With another tragic groan, Nell Tu stumbled forward some more, heading rather deliberatively in a stumbling uncertain walk towards "Roar, grunt, grudging growl of approval, grunt".

Then paused.

In front of her (specifically, on the ground in front of her), was a pair of shoes. They were white, and looked very much like the traditional Japanese shoes traditional Japanese wear. Inside that pair of shoes was a pair of black socks, conceivably, also of the type that traditional Japanese might wear. And, inside that pair of socks was, most probably, a pair of feet.

A very _human_ pair of feet.

Gulping in fear, Nell Tu slowly raised her eyes, seeing yet not seeing a pair of black hakama and a white over coat. Finally, her eyes came to rest on the oddest face she had ever seen. Coincidentally, it was also the scariest face she had ever seen. With a face like that, Nell Tu felt, this creature looked exactly like a rapacious monster.

No one else should be able to have a smile that _big_.

"Oh lord," she moaned, tears spilling down her face. "Please don't rape me! I'm only a child!"

And the smile vanished.

"I wasn't going to rape you," the creature protested in an odd sing-song voice, looking more than a little annoyed. "I am _not_ a pedophile!"

Nell Tu sniffed miserably. "What's a pedophile?" she asked. "Is that a rapacious monster?"

"Eh… yes?"

"Oh good," Nell Tu beamed. "So you _aren't_ a rapacious monster. Your lack of existence as above mentioned monster has left me deprived of the opportunity to display my masochistic tendencies, but, at least my supposed-virginity will not be taken away." She beamed happily up at the puzzled expression displayed on the not-rapacious-monster's face. "I'm Nell Tu. Who are you?"

The smile returned. For some reason, without the smile on his face, this creature's mouth looked much smaller. "Ichimaru Gin," the creature replied.

"Oh, Ichimaru Gin," Nell Tu beamed. "That sounds familiar."

"Yeah?" the creature beamed back.

"Yeah," Nell Tu beamed back in return.

"Where have you heard it from?" the creature beamed back in return – in return.

"Hmm… well now…" Nell Tu stopped beaming (because she really couldn't match the creature's stamina when it came to smiling).

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Ichimaru Gin!" Nell Tu screamed, shooting backwards with a speed her short legs should not have been able to achieve. "The Evil Lord Aizen Sousuke's right or left hand man depending on which side of the throne he stands on! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm going to die! Die!" A tragic scream erupted from her and she balled herself up, sobbing miserably.

"Now, now," the evil lord's evil minion said hurriedly, looking suitably flustered. "There's no need to be frightened of me. I was just passing by."

"Bullshit!" Nell screamed, working herself up into the kind of frenzy masochists world-wide can only dream about. "You're going to kidnap me then torture me! You're going to chain me up with leather bonds and whip me over and over again while I beg for mercy! Then you're going to drip water on my head until I'm nothing but a quavering ball of mucus and tears! Then you're going to laugh at me and beat me about. Then you're going to rape me over and over and over and over and over and over again despite the fact that I'm only a child! Then you'll put me on a leash and force me to parade before all the booing arrancar. Then you're going to stick a stake through me from my ass through my mouth and leave me to rot in the desert! And after I die from pain, thirst and starvation, you're going to mutilate my corpse with that tiny zanpakuto of yours!"

The creature stood still, mouth wide open in shock as it gaped at the little arrancar who was by now, foaming at the mouth.

"Well?" Nell Tu screamed. "What are you waiting for? Kidnap me this instance, you evil lord's evil minion!"

Within the head of the evil lord's evil minion, unseen by Nell Tu, his thoughts spun in a terrible frenzy. Some thoughts insisted that Ichimaru Gin comfort the little arrancar by reassuring her that he was not going to do the above mentioned things to her. Other thoughts mused that reassuring her as thus might only make her more upset, and that the way to go about it would be to tell the little arrancar that he was going to do all the above mentioned things to her then run away before she found out otherwise.

Thus it was, instead of carrying out those two thoughts, it was the third thought that escaped through his mouth despite it being the least vocal thought. "Who's been teaching you all these naughty words?" he demanded in a suitably adult voice.

Nell Tu quavered and whimpered and sobbed and screamed and did not answer his question.

"Come now," the dark creature of chaos tried in a gentler voice. "There's no need to be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Liar!" Nell Tu screamed. "That's what all evil lord's evil minions say! I bet next you're going to offer me a piece of candy to lure me to my death in your dungeons where you do strange things to virgins with chains and whips!"

The hand in Ichimaru Gin's sleeve let go hurriedly of a lollipop he had been about to offer to her (in an effort to make her stop crying, and not to lure her to her death in his dungeons etc). "Now, now Nell-chan," he said in his best placating tone. "If it would make you feel any better, I'll just walk away right now."

"It's a trap! It's a trap!" Nell screamed, shutting her eyes and covering her ears. "I know what you are! Your mouth is actually on your back and the moment that you turn around, you're going to eat me! I know it! I just know it!"

Silence greeted her accusations and after an indeterminate period of time, Nell Tu found herself compelled to open her eyes to check the progress of her dehumanization. Much to her surprise (and disappointment), the horrible creature known as Ichimaru Gin was gone. If she had bothered to look two minutes earlier, she would have seen a thin figure hurrying off in the direction of "obscene curse, growl, obscene curse, dying cry" (Front Door) in a sort of panicked version of _shunpo_, holding its hakama up daintily so it wouldn't hinder its owner's movement.

"Rapacious monster?" Nell Tu asked cautiously, peeping out from between her fingers. "You there?"

Yet again, Nell Tu's words were greeted by silence, and she felt strangely miffed by that despite her masochistic tendencies. She had been so convinced (or so she told herself) that she was finally going to get the terrible end she was always convinced she was going to get. To look death in the face and then to discover that it was only an awkward misunderstanding was strangely devastating to the little female (assumedly) arrancar known as Nell Tu.

As such, Nell Tu found herself compelled to give a loud, disgruntled snort.

"Hmnf," she snorted.

And because that was obviously insufficient, she added, "So I'm not good enough for the oh so great and mighty Aizen-sama's evil minion to torture to death huh? Well… I don't care! I don't need you to torture me to death! There are others who will do that for me!"

And at that precise moment, a balloon got caught in Nell Tu's mask – which inevitably led to a lot of screaming, wailing and tears before Nell Tu found it appropriate to remove the balloon to examine it.

It was a very adorable balloon, with the picture of a very adorable puppy on it. Tied at the bottom of the string that was attached to the balloon was a slip of paper. With some difficulty, Nell Tu made to read it.

"Grunt, roar, roar, grunt, gargle, gargle, spit, spit spit, Aizen, puke, puke, screaming orgasm," she muttered. "Ah… I see. The Hueco Mundo Theatre is holding a production of gargle gargle's Romeo and Juliet in honour of Aizen-sama." Her eyes traveled further down the slip of paper. "Grumble annoyingly, tummy rumbles, tummy rumbles, Ichimaru Gin, Tousen Kaname, puke, puke, Inoue Orihime, wolf whistle." A pause. "So it's staring Ichimaru Gin, Tousen Kaname and Inoue Orihime. Hmm…"

There was a long silence as Nell Tu, the youngest arrancar known contemplated the paper. It was evidently compulsory for all the arrancar to turn up, but that did not mean anything to Nell Tu other then that it will be a large gathering of _all the more powerful rapacious monsters in Hueco Mundo._ And that her very _own rapacious monster_ (hey, they actually had a real conversation, which made him hers) would be there. Obviously, this was the place to _not_ be.

And in true masochistic style, Nell Tu was determined to ignore all the obvious points highlighted in italics and turn up for the play.

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Aizen Sousuke was excited. Of course, as an Evil Dark Lord, he was not allowed to display his excitement in any way other than the one that requires him to throw back his head and laugh evilly over a newly invented Doomsday Device. And since Aizen Sousuke did not want to mess up his hair by throwing his head back (and since he did not own a Doomsday Device anyway other than Hogyoku, which was frankly too small to be something he could laugh over), Aizen Sousuke found himself sorely lacking in ways to express his excitement (he had thought of starting a new trend, but since he was practically the only Dark Lord around, it would have been difficult for a new trend to catch on since there was no one else to catch it on).

The excitement was catching on too. Despite the fact that everyone was squashed against everyone else in the tiny tent Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname had set up, the arrancar were obviously as excited as he was. Some were so excited they were falling asleep (and eating each other in their sleep).

At any rate, despite the fact that he looked extremely calm, cool and collected as is expected of an Evil Dark Lord (with all the capital letters and everything), Aizen Sousuke was frankly as excited as a little boy with matches and a lot of things to burn.

The reason for his unobvious excitement was that in a couple of minutes, the Hueco Mundo Theatre was going to perform gargle gargle's Romeo and Juliet (the Abridged Version because the Original One is too Long-Winded). Aizen Sousuke _loved_ Romeo and Juliet (the play, not the people). He had cried the first time he had watched the play.

"It's going to be wonderful," he announced to the arrancar next to him (conveniently forgetting that it was _Ichimaru Gin_ who had directed the whole play).

"Yup," the arrancar replied cheerfully. "There are rapacious monsters in there alright."

Aizen Sousuke paused and studied the tiny arrancar who was practically sitting on his lap. A part of him (the one every one acquires once they reach child-bearing/child-rearing age) wanted to ask the little arrancar where she (Aizen Sousuke peered at the arrancar in an effort to confirm its gender without having to make the arrancar undress) had learnt such words. But then the Other part of him (the one every one acquires once they develop into a fully functioning Evil Dark Lord) insisted that it really wasn't his business. So, he settled it by simply nodding hesitantly.

"Yup, rapacious monsters," he confirmed.

"Uh huh," the tiny arrancar said solemnly. "I've got my own rapacious monster in that play. It's going to chain me up and whip me."

Aizen Sousuke's mind tried to wrap around this. "Uh… which one… never mind, I don't want to know." He shuddered then scolded himself for shuddering because EDL do not shudder.

"It's going to start soon," the arrancar said excitedly. "Man, this is going to be so fun! Like sex!"

Aizen Sousuke's jaw dropped and he had to hurriedly close it before anyone else noticed. "Like… sex?"

"Yup. Like sex."

"You… you have had…"

"Oh! It's starting!"

Still in a daze, Aizen Sousuke stared at the stage, too stunned to push the little arrancar off when she scrambled on his lap to get a better view. "Oh good…" he said faintly then settled down to watch.

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**Gargle Gargle's Romeo and Juliet (The Abridged Version because the Original One is too Long-Winded), edited and directed by Ichimaru Gin, staring Ichimaru Gin, Inoue Orihime and a Very Nervous Tousen Kaname **

_Enter Chorus made up of Very Nervous Tousen Kaname, exquisitely handsome in orange tights and green puffed sleeves _

**Chorus**: Once upon a time, in a distant city with a name that sounds like a foot disease in the real world, two households, both alike in dignity, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Thus they always tried to kill each other, very unsuccessfully, I may add. And from their fatal loins sprang two lovers with death-marked love, who had evidently crossed the stars in some way or the other. How you anger a huge ball of gas and light, I do not know. Either way, knowst that it is not important. Know only that they, the couple who had miraculously crossed the stars, had met in an ill-fated party and that they had fallen in love. For those who know not who 'they' are, 'they' are Romeo and Juliet (not the play, the characters). And because everything else before that is unimportant, the play shall start with Romeo sneaking into the Capulet House to meet Juliet.

_Chorus exists, looking Very Nervous and Very Flustered. _

_Enter Romeo made up of Ichimaru Gin, looking absolutely splendid in pink tights and a peacock feather in his very medieval looking cap. _

_Enters Juliet made up of Inoue Orihime wearing something that looks like a white bedsheet (she had ran out of cloth after making both Tousen's and Ichimaru's costumes). Juliet stands in the Balcony. _

**Romeo**: What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou her maid art far more fair than she. I.e. you are one hot chick, Juliet. And for those who don't realize it yet, I see Juliet up in her balcony! Oh that I might touch her, and kiss her, and do other even more inappropriate things to her, for she is so beautiful that her eyes and cheeks doth shine!

(Off stage, an arrancar shouts, "No she doesn't! It's just the spotlight! You've got it wrong Ichim… I mean, Romeo! It's not…" before another arrancar proceeds to eat it)

**Juliet**: Ay me.

**Romeo**: She speaks.

(Off stage, another arrancar shouts, "Yeah, yeah, state the obvious, you stupid…" and gets eaten by another arrancar.)

**Romeo**: _(continues speaking even though there is a twitch developing in his eyebrow)_ Oh speak again, bright angel for thou art glorious to this night, being o'er my head as in a winged… winged _(appears to hesitate)_… something unto… _(appears to hesitate again)_ something… of mortals that _(displays a relieved smirk)_ that fall back to gaze on … _(appears to hesitate)_… bosom of the air.

**Juliet**: _(tries very hard not to giggle)_ Oh Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

(Off stage, yet another arrancar shouts, "He's beneath you, Orihi… Juliet! He's beneath you! Can't you sense his reiatsu?")

**Juliet**: _(giggling and looking very flustered) _Deny thy father and refuse thy name…"

(Off stage, a whole group of arrancar chorus, "One, two… Romeo's beneath you! Use Pesquiza to sense him!" And then another group of arrancar shouted, "She's not an arrancar, you idiot! She can't use Pesquiza! On the count of three, everyone yell, 'Just lean over and you can see him, Juliet!'")

**Juliet**: Or if thou wilt not, be but…

(Off stage, everyone yells, "Just lean over and you can see him, Juliet!")

**Juliet**: _(looks very lost, leans over and peeps at Romeo) _Eh… hello I… I mean… Romeo…

(Off stage, the whole crowd murmurs, "Finally spotted him, she did. Humans have really bad eye-sight.")

**Romeo**: _(looks very shocked, like a director who's play has just gone totally off the script) _Oh… uh… hi Juliet.

**Juliet**: _(appears embarrassed)_ Oh. Um. Yay! Eh… nice… tights.

**Romeo**: _(looks distinctly ill)_ Thank you, Juliet. Um… nice bed sheet.

**Juliet**: _(grinning happily)_ Oh really? Yay! Thanks! I made it using Kana… I mean, the Chorus's bed sheets.

**Chorus**: _(off stage) _You used my… what do you mean you used my…"

**Romeo**: _(looks very annoyed)_ Wonderful, Juliet! I believe I am in love with you.

**Juliet**: _(looks relieved)_ Oh yes! Me too. I'm in love with you even though you really aren't as good looking as Kurosa… ah… ah… I mean, I love you.

**Romeo**: _(looks even more annoyed)_ Great. We shall now exchange sweet nothings and nice pleasantries…

_Enter Capulet (father) made up of Very Nervous Tousen Kaname wearing a badly made wig. _

**Capulet**: You shall not marry him! _(trembles and shivers and looks very ill) _

**Romeo**: _(gapes open mouth)_ Is… is it…? I mean… what are you doing here, Mr. Capulet?

**Capulet**: Huh? Isn't it my turn to…? _(checks script inconspicuously)_ Damn! _(in a whisper)_ Oh damn! I forgot! I'm sorry Romeo, I totally messed up my script! I'm supposed to be the Friar _after_ you leave, right? I'm… oh damn, oh damn! I'm so sorry! I forgot! I… I…

**Romeo**: _(in a frantic shout)_ Shut up Capulet! I shall not listen to you! Instead, I shall kill myself! _(grabs a random bottle labeled 'beer' and chugs it down enthusiastically)_ O my love, my wife! Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath… _hic_… hath no power yet upon to conquer thy beauty… _hic_… thou art not conquered _(gestures lovingly at a very flustered, very vertical Juliet)_ and all that romantic shit. Oh true apoca… apoth… apothecary! Thy drugs are quick… _hic_! Thus with a kiss I die. _(blows a kiss at the audience and collapses on the stage)_

**Juliet**: _(looking very flustered and very alive) _Eh… oh no, Romeo's dead!

**Romeo**: Hic.

**Juliet**: Go, get thee hence, for I will not away… eh… Father.

**Capulet**: _(looking very relieved)_ Aye. Away. Eh… bye.

_Capulet exits. _

**Juliet**: What's here? A cup closed in my true love's hand?

(Off stage, an arrancar shouts, "It's a bottle! And it's at the other end of the stage from your true love's hand!")

**Juliet**: _(pulling on a very brave face) _A bottle at the other end of the stage from my true love's hand? Poison… I mean… beer, I see, hath been his timeless end. I will kiss thy lips: haply some poison yet doth hang on them. _(stares at the stage from the balcony)_ Or I would if thou weren't a storey beneath me. Oh happy dagger! _(looks around frantically before a dark hand sticks out behind her and passes Shinsou to her)_ This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die. _(stabs herself and collapses) _

_Enters Chorus. _

**Chorus**: Oh no, Romeo and Juliet are dead. From hence forth, the Capulet and Montague families shall never fight again.

(Off stage an arrancar shouts, "Why?")

**Chorus**: _(with a look of pure bewilderment) _It's a human thing.

(Off stage, the same arrancar goes, "Oh, I see.")

**Chorus:** _(hesitates)_ This is the Prince's line, but I left my coat backstage. Just pretend I'm the Prince. So anyway…

**Prince: **A glooming peace this morning with it brings; the sun for sorrow will not show his head. Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, and some punished; for never was there a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo. _(stares at audience blankly, audience stare back blankly)_ Eh… The End.

_Audience applauds _

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Ichimaru Gin gazed into the audience.

Inoue Orihime gazed into the audience.

Very Nervous Tousen Kaname gazed into the audience.

All three swallowed nervously.

"Thank you very much for attending this play," Ichimaru Gin said. "It was a pleasure. Many thanks to our most beloved Aizen-sama for attending. Hail Aizen-sama and all that crap. Anyway…" He trailed off and stared at the silent crowd.

"Many thanks," Inoue Orihime said hurriedly, rallying bravely behind Ichimaru Gin.

"Th… thanks…" Very Nervous Tousen Kaname stammered.

All three bowed nervously.

And the crowd erupted.

Screaming, all three latched onto each other frantically as the crowd roared. With all the screaming going on, it is, perhaps, understandable that it took the actors and actress some time to realize what the crowd was roaring.

"Oh my god, that was so sad!" an arrancar wailed, sobbing big, slimy tears. "That was so tragic! They died!"

"Let this be a lesson against alcoholism!" another arrancar said primly, dabbing away at tears.

"Never drink and fall in love at the same time!"

"Oh lord, the tragedy!"

"You summarized Romeo and Juliet to less than five minutes minus all that hesitant pauses!" Aizen Sousuke screamed, eyes wild with delight. "Oh my god, you are a genius, Gin!"

"My rapacious monster died!" Nell Tu wailed, burying her face in Aizen Sousuke's coat. "My poor rapacious monster died! Oh no!"

"Encore! Encore!"

"Bravi bravi bravissimi!"

"Bravo!"

"Hey! Who pushed me?"

"Get lost! You were in my way!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Die!"

Ichimaru Gin beamed into the crowd as it raged inwards in sheer utter destruction. "Oh my," he said. "Thank you. Yes, thank you very much. Oh my… I don't know what to say…" A splatter of various forms of innards splattered onto the stage. "Oh, you are too kind! But do stop throwing your personal effects on the stage. It's dirtying my tights."

"We did it," Inoue Orihime whispered, her eyes brimming with happy tears. "Gin-chan, Kaname-chan! We did it!"

"Yes, we did," Very Happy Tousen Kaname said. "We fulfilled our pledge to assist Aizen-sama no matter what. And we've did it!"

"Gather, my friends, gather," Ichimaru Gin said, his voice bubbling with emotion.

They gathered.

"Let it be known now," Ichimaru Gin said, his voice rising above the chaos and splattering of innards. "Of all plays set in time and space, none can beat those with our face(s). We toil and trudge through mud and rain, and all we feel is grief and pain. Yet when all of time doth end, we discover within our hand(s). A triumph over self and foe, and alls well as well is so."

"Gin-chan…"

"Beautiful, Gin."

"Gin!"

The three un-gathered and stared into the crowd – specifically, at a very flustered looking Aizen Sousuke.

"Do something!" above mentioned Aizen Sousuke roared. "They're killing each other!"

Ichimaru Gin surveyed the crowd. And suddenly, his face brightened. "I've got an idea!" he cried.

"What idea?" Tousen Kaname asked blankly.

"You know, my idea for the long-term plan to keep the arrancar _not_ bored?"

"Oh! You've thought of one?"

"Yeah." Ichimaru Gin _shunpo_ through the crowd and dragged Aizen Sousuke out. "Come on, Aizen-sama! We've got to discuss my plan! Stop playing with your arrancar and go to your room."

"Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot."

"You're welcome."

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"A new religion?" Aizen Sousuke asked skeptically, in the process of smoothing his unruly hair down (after its encounter with an overly hyperactive little arrancar).

"Yeah, it makes sense," Ichimaru Gin beamed. "Religions take up a lot of work, you know?"

"But I'm an atheist…"

"An atheist establishing himself as god, right?"

"Oh…" Aizen Sousuke rubbed his chin. "But…"

"It makes sense," Ichimaru Gin said, grinning an extremely feral grin. "See? First what we've got to do is to make a few new converts. Perhaps we could start with the Espada. Then once they've been converted, we sent them out to convert other people. That's the first phrase of erasing boredom, where the converts spend all their time converting and the non-converts spend all their time trying to escape the converts."

"I see," Aizen Sousuke said thoughtfully, his mind catching on quickly.

"And then following the increase in the number of converts, disputes are going to rise," Ichimaru Gin went on. "People are going to start having huge discussions about the true meaning of religion. This would be because we would make the 'holy text' very ambiguous. So they keep arguing over how things should be interpreted."

"Ah," Tousen Kaname said quickly, because he felt that his input was necessary.

"And then once that's settled," Ichimaru Gin concluded. "They can go out and convert the other dimensions! That's bound to take up time!"

"I see, yes, I see," Aizen Sousuke said, smiling evilly (an expression that is okay for an EDL to display). "And then there's all that worshipping they have to do on top of the usual propaganda events."

"Yes!" Ichimaru Gin cried. "All that praying and kneeling and prostrating…"

"All that singing and reading of scriptures…"

"Yeah, and we could even have like annual events," Ichimaru Gin concluded. "like dancing around bonfires or something. Or the sacrifice of virgins to the gods or something."

"Why," Aizen Sousuke grinned. "Are you volunteering yourself as a sacrifice, Gin?"

Tousen Kaname's jaw dropped and he spluttered, "You're _still_ a virgin, Gin?"

Ichimaru Gin's jaw dropped and he screeched, "Aizen-sama! That was a secret!"

"That's for insulting my hair!"

"I hate you! I hate you!"

"Nya! You can't touch me! Because I'm god!"

"Boys! Stop it!"

"I hate you!"

"Nya!"

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"Gin-chan?"

"Yeah, Orihime-chan?"

"Um… Aizen-sama ordered me to persuade you to come out of the attic. All the howling and sobbing is scaring the lower level arrancar."

"I'm _not_ coming out! He told everyone my biggest secret!"

"It's okay, Gin-chan. I'm still a virgin too."

"Thanks a lot, Orihime-chan."

"But then, I _am_ only fifteen and you're a couple of decades old so maybe…"

"I'm not going to leave the attic ever again!"

"…"

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Okay, it's review time again! But first thing's first, I must state explicitly that **I am not anti-religion**. Please don't flame me by accusing me of being anti-religious, because I am not. Like I said before, my fics are meant to be read with a sense of humour.

All things aside, I hope you guys had fun, and please do remember to leave a review!


	5. Time does not stand still the revenge

Okay, I really have to apologise for the super super long wait! I really have no time to write during school, and now school's out – but only for a couple of weeks. So, this is the new update! It was written in two sittings, with about three months in between each sitting, so it might sound a bit incoherent. Apologies for that.

Anyway, please read on and leave a review later!

Bleach does not belong to me

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**Time Does not Stand Still (The Revenge) **

For a human, or anything that had ever been human, there are many forces that drive them to do the things that they do. There is Greed (which is also named Desire, Ambition and sometimes, Nationalism), which often drives people to steal, rob and plunder, and hollows to eat, eat and eat. There is also Rebellion (also known as Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, or Hey-this-is-More-Fun-than-School) which often results in humans waving multi-coloured flags, building multiple barricades and singing a lot of catchy jingles, and Hollows to eat, eat and just eat. Then, there is Love (alternately known as The Greatest Human Feeling Ever or Uncontrollable Pubertal Hormonal Drives) which drives humans to mate, mate and mate, and incidentally, for Hollows to do just about the same. (For humans, there are some things that never change, no matter what form you take.)

And then, there is something, which is a mixture of many of the examples raised, though not necessarily in equal portions. It is called Revenge (also known as I'm-Gonna-Run-Ya-Through-Ya-Faggot). Throughout the centuries of mankind, the concept of revenge has been romanticized. Initially, it was seen as the appropriate thing to do in many cultures, for Revenge was the act of Regaining Thy Dignity (or your Wife's Dignity, or your Husband's Dignity, or your Dog's Dignity… you get the point). Then in recent times, Revenge was seen as a malevolent force mainly because people started Killing People Before Their Crimes Have Been Proven. Instead, it became Legal to let a Servant of the Government Kill for you. Essentially, Revenge became Centralized - much like Education.

Hueco Mundo has a government. Admittedly it is a very small one since it consists mainly of Aizen Sousuke and perhaps a little bit of Tousen Kaname and Ichimaru Gin. Like in all dimensions with a government, Revenge has been Centralized here in Hueco Mundo as well. Hollows and Arrancar are only supposed to take revenge if Aizen Sousuke orders it. (Incidentally, the definition of Revenge in Hueco Mundo is "The act of retribution on anyone who has done any harm to Lord Aizen Souske".)

Unfortunately for Aizen Sousuke and the whole of Hueco Mundo, there are always individuals who see things differently as is the case in most societies. It's not that they're out to create trouble, it's just that they have a… different point of view. As in the case of revenge, there might be some who feel that it shouldn't be centralized, that every individual should have the right to Regain His or Her Dignity. Then there are always a few select individuals who not only have a different point of view but who believe on acting on their own views. This people are often considered Social Deviants, unless they are very rich. (In which case, they would be considered Eccentric.)

Ichimaru Gin wasn't a Social Deviant, not in any sense of the word. That is mainly because Ichimaru Gin never considered himself a part of any society, and thus it is impossible for him to be a _Social_ Deviant. Some might suggest he should then be called an _Individual_ Deviant, but then that begets the huge philosophical problem of how he could be a deviant when there's only one of him and that one of him is the norm. No, for people like Ichimaru Gin, new categories are created.

As long as Aizen Sousuke had known him, he had classified Ichimaru Gin has a Highly Dangerous Though Rather Amusing Person Who Can Get Pretty Irritating.

Then when Hitsugaya Toshirou had known him, Ichimaru Gin had become classified That Crazy Smirking Asshole (which begets the problem of how an asshole can smirk and whether it is possible for a non-entity like a hole, which is essentially an empty space within an entity, to go crazy).

Inoue Orihime classified Ichimaru Gin as the Male-Sister I Always Wanted.

However, as in the case of most Unclassified Characters, the names of the categories they are in tend to change rapidly.

Currently, Ichimaru Gin was known as The Monster in the Attic.

Veteran Arrancar told horror stories about him to newly-made Arrancar. Like _The Monster in the Attic that ate the Naughty Arrancar that didn't do what Aizen-sama ordered him to_ (Arrancar aren't known for their ability to come up with good story titles).

If Ichimaru Gin had known of his new status, he honestly wouldn't have minded much. (After all there had been a period of time back in Soul Society where a common threat at the Academy made to deviant students went something along the lines of, "If you continue misbehaving, I'm going to put you in Ichimaru-taichou's squad.") In fact, he would not have given much thought to it anyway, what with his mind being occupied by other thoughts.

Thoughts like Regaining His Dignity – or just Causing A Lot of Trouble.

Deep in the attic, where not even a mouse dared walk, something with red gleaming eyes bared sharp fangs in a serpentine grin. Then as the pale, dull moon rose over the desert plains of Hueco Mundo, a terrible hiss ripped through the air.

New categories are often created for people like Ichimaru Gin, but no matter what you choose to call people like him, there is one thing you must always remember.

Never ever let out that they are still virgins.

It is one of the triggers of Armageddon.

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Wonderwice was not stupid. Many people said Wonderwice was stupid. He wasn't. He just didn't think quickly. That wasn't stupid. That was… slow. Slow wasn't stupid. Slow was slow.

Tousen Kaname sama was telling him a story. Wonderwice had to pay attention.

"Wonderwice are you listening?"

Wonderwice must put thumb in mouth. Wonderwice must smile.

"Okay, I assume you are. Shall I tell you _Yuki-Bya and The Monster in the Attic_ instead of _The Big Bad Monster in the Attic and the Three Little Mod-Souls_?"

Wonderwice must… must do something. Nod! Wonderwice must nod!

"Okay then. Ready?"

Wonderwice must nod again. Tousen Kaname sama must be slow too.

"Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a beautiful, beautiful zanpakuto by the name of Yuki-Bya. Yuki-Bya had an evil inner self by the name of Kuro-Bya. Kuro-Bya was a very vain zanpakuto. Everyday, Kuro-Bya would look into the mirror of it's owner's soul and ask, "Mirror, mirror of My Master's Soul, who's the fairest of them all?". Unfortunately for Kuro-Bya, the answer was always Yuki-Bya was the fairest of them all, because Yuki-Bya was white in colour and Kuro-Bya was black in colour, and thus Yuki-Bya was always fairer than Kuro-Bya."

Wonderwice must not fall asleep. Wonderwice must pay attention to story. Wonderwice must not wonder why there is a pair of glowing red eyes behind Tousen Kaname sama.

"Anyway, Kuro-Bya decided that 'fairness' wasn't a very fair way to define beauty because black is elegant, sexy and always _in_. Instead, Kuro-Bya decided that this was a very colourist way of defining beauty, and that what matters is really on the inside So, Kuro-Bya took to asking, "Mirror, mirror in My Master's Soul, who's the darkest of them all?". The answer from then on was always Kuro-Bya."

Wonderwice must not fall asleep. Wonderwice must stop wondering why the pair of glowing red eyes are coming closer to Tousen Kaname sama. Wonderwice must stop wondering why Tousen Kaname sama is so slow he never feel the horrible reiatsu coming closer.

"Anyway, Yuki-Bya got very miffed by this. Yuki-Bya wanted to be the answer the Mirror of their Master's Soul gave all the time. So Yuki-Bya decided to enlist the help of the Monster in the Attic to help her get rid of evil, evil Kuro-Bya. Yuki-Bya thus traveled into the Attic of their Master's Soul and called out, "Monster, Monster in the Attic? Wouldn't you come and discus tactics? To rid Kuro-Bya we must unite! So wouldn't you come with me and Kuro-Bya smite?". And the Monster in the Attic replied…"

"Yesssssssssssssssss, I would, if I could. But I'll eat you up firsssssssssssst!"

Wonderwicre must not fall asleep. Woncerwice must pay attention. Wonderwice must not wonder why the Monster in the Attic bumped Tousen Kaname sama on the head and then walk away smirking and mumbling, "That'ssssssss for laughing about my virginity, sssssssssso nyasssssssssss!"

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Grimmjaw glared at Ulquiorra over the table. Ulquiorra stared back calmly.

"You little piece of…" Grimmjaw glowered.

"Little piece of what?" Ulquiorra challenged passively (a paradox on its own, one only Ulquiorra could truly achieve). "What I said makes perfect sense."

"No it doesn't!" Grimmjaw snarled. "You're making up shit!"

"I do not make up shit. Shit is made up of excess fibre and…"

"You know what I'm talking about!"

"I might if you would stop making metaphorical allusions to the digestive tract and its various products."

Grimmjaw snarled menacingly and picked up the book lying on the table. "See here?" he demanded roughly, jabbing the book with a finger for emphasis. "According to this passage in the Book of Gin, the daily consumption of Hollow lizards is a must because the Great Seer Gin says, 'Feed daily on that which is fresh and green, and forget not the daily bowel movement.' That's Hollow lizards alright! Those things seriously give me the runs!"

"I disagree," Ulquiorra said quietly, folding his hands gracefully on his lap. "I believe that this is in actual fact a metaphor. The 'fresh and green' object we should 'feed daily on' must refer to Aizen-sama's words and that we should read his words everyday. The 'daily bowel movement' would then refer to us carrying out his orders to the dot and _removing all that is waste_ from the _bowels_ of Hueco Mundo."

"That's bullshit," Grimmjaw shouted angrily, slamming the book down on the table. "How the hell is Aizen-sama's words 'fresh and green'?"

Ulquiorra flinched slightly (and Grimmjaw felt a sudden bolt of vindictive pleasure). "_You_ tell me what does eating Hollow lizards have to do with religion," Ulquiorra shot back (albeit very calmly and emotionlessly).

"About as much as staring at a clump of moss for ten minutes every half an hour, like it is said in the Book of Gin Two!"

"The Book of Gin Two does _not_ say that."

"It does!" Grimmjaw howled in frustration, pulling out another book and flipping furiously. "It's right here… there! 'Upon gazing at words for an hour's half, turn and look upon much greenness to rest one's eyes.' See? That means every half an hour, we have to look at something that's green! Like moss!"

"You are getting ridiculous, Grimmjaw," Ulquiorra said coldly. "That passage obviously refers to the fact that every once in a while, we should look up upon the majesty of Aizen-sama so as to not forget what we were created for. What could be more restful than gazing on the image of our Lord?"

"That's bullshit again, Ulquiorra! Why on earth is Aizen-sama 'green'? He's more of a warm complexion, more... _brown_, if you ask me!" Grimmjaw snarled menacingly. "You just don't want to admit that you're wrong!"

"Hey, what's up?" Yami asked jovially, stepping into the room. "Gee, what's with the ugly faces?"

"Yami!" Grimmjaw shouted. "Ulquiorra's being a super moron! Look at this passage in the Book of Gin! 'Feed daily on that which is fresh and green, and forget not the daily bowel movement.' That refers to eating Hollow lizards that give you the runs, right? Ulquiorra thinks it means we should listen to Aizen-sama and help Hueco Mundo shit! Tell him he's wrong!"

"Huh?" Yami stared at the passage. "Gee… I always thought that referred to eating a steady diet of vegetables so you don't get constipated." He cringed as both Grimmjaw and Ulquiorra focused bug-killing glares on him. "I know, I know," he said hurriedly. "I'm not a very smart Arrancar. Sorry! I mean, it really didn't quite make sense to me anyway, the thing I came up with. I'm just not cut out for heavy duty thinking, 'k?"

"Yeah, yeah," Grimmjaw snapped. "Just scram, damn you! You're making things worse! Eating vegetables… yeah, right! Next you'll be telling me 'Upon a week thrice days choose, run round and round in comfortable shoes' means we should exercise regularly at least three times a week. Everybody knows it refers to the three times a week that bloody sandstorm comes around and buries anything out there alive."

"It does _not_," Ulquiorra said, his face hardening. "That line is merely sound advice to work hard on whatever mission Aizen-sama gives you. It is merely an endorsement of diligence, something someone as lazy as you will never understand."

Grimmjaw drew up to his full height. "You're an arrogant prick, Ulquiorra," he snarled. "Fight me!"

"No. The Book of Kaname states clearly that, 'Multiple mushrooms boiled together make good stew', which means that fellow Arrancar are not to fight each other."

"That's crap, Ulquiorra! That line is obviously a reference to hallucinogens!"

Yami (who _had_ thought that 'Upon a week thrice days choose, run round and round in comfortable shoes' meant arrancar should exercise regularly, and who thought 'Multiple mushrooms boiled together make good stew' meant that good mushroom stew should contain lots of mushroom) sighed and turned to leave the room. "Bye guys," he said forlornly.

"You are a moron Ulquiorra! 'Indulge in regular banging' obviously means we should fight more!"

"No, Grimmjaw. It means we should actively spread the word of Aizen-sama."

"You…"

Yami (who hadn't really thought much about 'regular banging') heaved another sigh. "Yeah, yeah, whatever," he said and stepped out of the door.

"Where issssssssssssssss Aizen-ssssssssama?"

Yami blinked rapidly and drew his huge bulk to a stop (a difficult act given the laws of inertia and all) before he ran over the figure in front of him. "Wh…?" he questioned then fell silent when a pair of gleaming red eyes fixed malevolently on him.

"Yesssssssss, Arrancar?' the figure hissed, revealing sharp fangs.

"Uh… his… well… I saw him in his room just now…" Yami gulped, feeling for the first time in his life the kind of paralyzing fear others feel when they see him.

"Thankssssssss," the figure hissed and slithered away.

With a soft whimper, Yami's legs gave out beneath him and he sat down heavily on the ground (causing mild earthquakes all around Hueco Mundo). "Oh Aizen-sama…" he whimpered.

"What is it, Yami?" Ulquiorra asked, appearing behind him.

"You fucking ruined our argument, Yami!" Grimmjaw snarled from behind. "This has so fucking better be good."

"Th… the… it's the…"

"What?"

"Monster in the Attic!" Yami gasped. "Oh Aizen-sama, it's the Monster in the Attic! It was right here just now!"

"What do you mean Monster in the Attic?" Grimmjaw demanded impatiently. "How could the Monster _in_ the Attic have been here just now when this is _out_ of the Attic?"

"It was the Monster then!" Yami screamed. "It was here just now! I swear it was!"

"Get a grip on yourself," Ulquiorra said sharply.

"It was the Monster _from_ the Attic!" Yami wailed. "And I just told him where Aizen-sama is!" He blinked once. Then blinked again. Ulquiorra and Grimmjaw had disappeared. They had left him alone.

Yami curled up his legs and whimpered (and stayed that way until Wonderwice wandered up and carried him away to the sickbay because Wonderwice is sweet and kind, and highly addicted to a certain kind of mushroom that sports yellow spots).

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Aizen Sousuke _was_ in his room, as Yami had so foolishly told the Monster _From_ the Attic. Aizen Sousuke was in his room, staring with a pleasant sense of contentment at the ceiling as he lay draped over his couch like a very contented cat of a rich, furry and rather portly build. Admittedly, Aizen Sousuke was a little on the broad side, but he was mainly large bone structure rather than fat.

Of course he was _not _fat. How could he _be_ fat? He was an Evil Dark Lord for heaven's sake! Really, he only seemed broad because he constantly had Ichimaru Gin by his side. That particular breed of Shinigami was of the body type that would never grow fat regardless of how much they ate, and thus unless you have the figure of a stick insect, you _will_ look fat if you so much as choose to stand next to Ichimaru Gin. Aizen Sousuke had ordered Ichimaru Gin (and Tousen Kaname) to be by his side constantly, but that didn't mean that Aizen Sousuke's apparently obese appearance was his own fault. It was obviously Ichimaru Gin's fault; _he_ was the one that obviously refused to gain weight.

He would have punished his subordinate for such insubordination, only he couldn't quite remember having seen his subordinate for a rather substantial period of time. Tousen Kaname had spent a certain amount of time searching the attics, the last place where he had been seen (and an even greater amount of time calming Inoue Orihime down before she drowned them all in tears and loads of red bean paste), but had failed to locate the missing insubordinate subordinate.

With a shrug, Aizen Sousuke resumed his contended pondering of the ceiling in his bedroom. Hogyoku was taking its time reaching full strength, and his Arrancar army was far from complete. He didn't need his Highly Dangerous Though Rather Amusing Person Who Can Get Pretty Irritating just yet, though if he didn't turn up soon, Aizen Sousuke might just decide to set the Wolves of Hueco Mundo on him (the Wolves of Hueco Mundo was the first Hollow metal band ever; and as in the long traditions of firsts, it had a high frequency of broken ear drums).

Shuddering at the thought of the Wolves of Hueco Mundo, Aizen Sousuke reached out a hand lazily and grasped a random fruit from the fruit basket next to his bed. It was an apple; a big, red, shiny apple of the kind only seen in fairytales with plenty of underlying sexual themes. Just as lazily, Aizen Sousuke took a huge bite out of the big, red, shiny apple (which in itself lends to plenty of suggestive themes being raised).

"Aizen Sssssousssssssuke!"

Said Aizen Sousuke choked on his bite of apple and almost passed out from the lack of oxygen. Fortunately he did not, because Aizen Sousuke is not a beautiful princess with skin as white as snow and lips as red as blood (and it is reasonably doubtful whether anyone could find a prince willing enough to give aforementioned Aizen Sousuke the kiss of life).

"Wh…?" he gasped, spitting out the traitorous piece of apple that had almost caused his death. "Who? What?"

"I ssssaid, Aizen Sssssousssssssuke!"

"I know that!" Aizen Sousuke snapped, looking around his empty room suspiciously. "Who is that? I demand you show yourself immediately!"

"Ssssssshusssssh now…"

"And stop hissing!"

"Ssssssssilence, Aizen Ssssssssousssssuke! All you need to know issssss that I'm ssssstanding behind you with a big, big sssssssword!" the creature hissed (which yet again raised plenty of sexual implications). "A real big ssssssssword, mind you!"

Aizen Sousuke cleared his throat noisily. "Alright," he conceded calmly. "Fair enough. What do you want then?"

"Jussssssstice," the voice hissed, and Aizen Sousuke shivered to the point of foaming at the mouth (the word Justice to an Evil Dark Lord is like holy water to a Christian vampire).

"For what?" Aizen Sousuke demanded incredulously (and ironically). "I haven't done anything wrong!"

"I know…" the voice whispered. "I know, Aizen Sousuke…"

"Wh… what?"

"I know what you did lassssssst sssssssummer!"

Lightning flashed and thunder roared, and the room of the Evil Dark Lord was thrown briefly into an odd contrast of stark white light and sheer utter darkness.

Aizen Sousuke blinked.

"Huh?" he asked confusedly. "What _did_ I do last summer?"

There was a brief pause. "Well…" the voice stammered awkwardly. "You mussst have done sssssomething. I mean… you're an Evil Dark Lord."

"Last summer, I was still Fifth Division Captain," Aizen Sousuke pointed out dryly.

"You were planning to overthrow Soul… I mean, Sssssssoul Sssssociety!"

"Ah yes, I was. That's old news." Aizen Sousuke frowned. "Really, this is far too much. I am the Evil Dark Lord around here; I should be the one making amusingly irrelevant threats. I honestly have to demand to know who this is."

"Oh for the love of… whatever!" the ominous voice shouted peevishly. "I've got a big sword pointed at your liver! Don't you know that you have only _one_ liver and that if I damage it, you'll be on a restricted diet of oatmeal for the rest of your existence! You'll be breathing through a tube!"

"Actually, I don't think being pierced in the liver will result in me breathing through a…"

"Shut up… I mean, sssssshut up and listen, Aizen Ssssousssuke," the voice hissed menacingly. "I didn't want to do thissss to you. I'm not by nature a cruel perssssson, but you have pusssshed me too far."

"What do you mean, whoever you are?" Aizen Sousuke demanded, a smirk playing around his lips. "Are you going to tell everyone about how I tried to kill Kuchiki Rukia? Or how I opened a nice big hole in Kurosaki Ichigo's stomach? Or how about the time I kicked that puppy that was crawling around the Fifth Division barracks looking for scraps? Hmm? What are you going to do, oh anonymous one?"

"Oh no, Aizen Ssssousssuke," the voice hissed, dripping with malice. "Not at all. I'm not even going to tell anyone about the time you, in a drunken stupor, mistook Zaraki Kenpachi for a very beautiful woman and tried to pick him up. Not at all, Aizen Ssssousssuke."

"Then what is it, oh aspiring Evil Dark Lord."

"I am going to let out," the voice paused for dramatic effort then announced, "your real weight!"

The half-eaten apple rolled from Aizen Sousuke's hand and dropped to the floor, making a loud, wet sound as it did, in a move full of plenty of symbolism and metaphors. Then it rolled under Aizen Sousuke's chair in a move full of plenty of nasty implications (amongst those include cockroaches in about a day or two).

"You wouldn't!" Aizen Sousuke gasped, his face turning a dramatic shade of grey and white. "You can't! It's… that's… that's… cruel!"

"Try me, Aizen Sousuke!" the voice howled triumphantly then hesitated and added, "I mean… Aizen Sssousssuke."

"It's…" Aizen Sousuke drew himself up to his full height. "Well, go ahead!" he cried defiantly. "It's not like I'm that… fat… heavy, anyway!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Don't bullshi… bullssssshit me, Aizen Ssssousssuke! I know what your real weight is in proportion to your height alright!"

"And so what about it!"

"You're heavy, dude, seriously heavy. Sssssssserioussssssly heavy."

"No, I'm not!"

"Oh yes you are!"

"I'm not!"

"You're heavy enough to cause mild tremors when you walk."

"That's not true!"

"I've got seismic graphs to prove it!"

"No you don't!"

"You're heavy enough to cause the planet to tilt slightly off orbit when you run."

"No! No!"

"You're heavy enough to have your own _gravitational pull and your own orbit!" _

"No!"

"Oh yessssssss!" the voice screamed shrilly. "You are_**FAT**_!"

"No!" Aizen Sousuke screamed back. "No! I'm not! I'm… I'm… I'm… just… robust!"

"Like a pig," the voice sneered.

"How dare you!" Aizek Sousuke screeched, launching himself to his feet. With what in a lesser villain would have been a fatal disregard of the _real_ big sword pointing at his liver, the Evil Dark Lord of Hueco Mundo spun around and jabbed a finger in said hissing menace's face. "Look at this!"

Said hissing menace looked obligingly.

"Tell me what you see, you bloody anonymous thing!"

"Uh… your finger?"

"Yes!" Aizen Sousuke howled triumphantly. "It's my finger!"

Said anonymous hissing menace shrunk back and waved its real big sword hesitantly.

"Observe it!" Aizen Sousuke commanded again. "Observe how beautiful it is! How white and slender! How long and elegant! Observe how graceful it truly, truly is!"

"Uh…"

"Having fully taken in the true wonder of my finger, proceed to look at these!" With a flourish, both of Aizen Sousuke's hands were displayed for looking. "Observe that I have not only one perfect finger, but _ten_!"

"Well now…"

"Now, observe my nose! What a strong nose it is! Aquiline, straight and aristocratic! A nose worthy of a king!"

"Right. Now about my sword…"

"And my eyes! Look at how large they are! Observe how my luminous brown eyes are framed by thick, dark lashes! Observe how my strong, well-shaped eye-brows provide definition for my strong brow!"

"There's the over-use of the word 'observe' if I may say…"

"_Observe_ my full lips with its dipping cupid's bow! Observe how red and kissable they truly are!"

"Like I said… about that 'observe' part…"

"And my hair! Thick! Wavy! Luxuriant! Any woman would want to run her fingers through my hair!"

"Alright… this is going to far…"

"And my muscular frame! Observe the biceps, triceps, abs.. "

"Oh lord…"

"And need I mention my well-developed p…"

"Enough!" the anonymous hissing menace screamed, shooting to its feet. "Enough! I get the point! Fine, you are hot! Whatever! Now just remember that I'm pointing my _real sword_ at you!"

Aizen Sousuke blinked. "Gin? Is that you?"

Said anonymous hissing menace, now exposed as Ichimaru Gin froze and blinked owlishly. "Oh darn it all!"

Aizen Sousuke smiled. "I can have you for treason you know?" he said smugly, settling down upon his couch again. "Execution. No questions asked. No questions answered."

Ichimaru Gin pouted and re-sheathed his sword. "There goes my Justice," he mumbled.

"Now, what was that all about?" Aizen Sousuke demanded, running his fingers through said luxuriant hair.

"You told the world I was still a… you know… that 'V' word!"

"Oh for heaven's… you are still angry about that?"

"It's the 'V' word! The 'V' word!"

"If you are so anguished about your vir… lack of _activity_," Aizen Sousuke snapped impatiently. "Then do something about it!"

"Like?" Ichimaru Gin grumbled.

"I don't know! Pillage a village and ravage its female occupants or something! We're evil villains, you know? We have the utmost right to do that."

"Oh that is so _low_, Aizen-sama!" Ichimaru Gin protested grumpily. "I…"

"Uh… Excuse me?"

There was a moment of silence that could be aptly described as pregnant then said evil villains turned to observe the doorway of Aizen Sousuke's room.

Ulquiorra cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Excuse me Aizen-sama," he said slowly. "We were told that the ah… Monster was coming this way and ah… we thought… ah… should we put up a search?""

"Be my guest," Aizen Sousuke grumbled as Ichimaru Gin looked at the ceiling and whistled nonchalantly.

"Yes sir," Ulquiorra said delicately. "Only ah… sir? It might be wise to close the door for your ah… following activities."

"Activities?" Aizen Sousuke mumbled absent-mindedly, wondering where his apple had rolled to. "What activities?"

"The activities where Ichimaru-sama points his 'sword' at you from behind and you help him of rid himself of his problem," Grimmjaw muttered.

Aizen Sousuke stared.

Ichimaru Gin stared.

Grimmjaw shifted his feet, stared at the ceiling and displayed several signs of discomfort.

"You've got it all wrong…" Aizen Sousuke said hurriedly.

"How dare you interrupt us!" Ichimaru Gin shrieked.

And the room went silent.

"Gin…" Aizen Sousuke glowered in a mild sort of panic as Ichimaru Gin's grin widened and his eyes took on a maniac gleam.

"Aizen-sama and I…" Ichimaru Gin said earnestly, his face suddenly the image of sincerity and (dare it be said) flushed with love. "Oh… if you only knew how we feel!"

"Uh huh…" Grimmjaw said warily, starting to back out of the room.

"I know it's forbidden! God, everyone knows it's forbidden! The only reason I would ever have left Soul Society… oh if you could only comprehend…" Ichimaru Gin's grin widened. "If you could only comprehend… Grimmjaw-_kun_, the reason why I came with Aizen-sama… and the reason we chose you to come with us."

Grimmjaw froze, his jaw hanging wide open.

Ulquiorra froze, his jaw hanging wide open (and inched away from Grimmjaw).

Aizen Sousuke froze, his jaw hanging wide open.

Ichimaru Gin grinned.

As he has a penchant to do.

"M… me?" Grimmjaw gaped.

"Grimmjaw-_kun_…"

"Me needs to… I need to uh… find the monster…" Grimmjaw gasped and turned… and fled.

Aizen Sousuke unfroze himself and glared at Ichimaru Gin.

Ichimaru Gin grinned widely.

"What do you know?" he said cheerily. "Tousen was right! This path really is the path to justice! I pity the tools though!"

"Gin! Now the whole word is going to think we are… dare I say it?"

"Please don't."

"You know what I mean at any rate! How could you…? How dare you…?"

Ichimaru Gin's eyes narrowed cheerfully. "Never underestimate me, Aizen-sama," he said, his voice as slimy and insidious as something very slimy and insidious. "Just be glad that now that my Justice is done, I shall willingly go back to dreaming up schemes for you."

With that said, Ichimaru Gin swept out of Aizen Sousuke's room, leaving a stunned and confused Aizen Sousuke sitting on his throne with a rotting apple somewhere in his room.

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"Gin-chan?"

"Yes, Orihime-chan?"

"Ooh! I'm just so glad!"

"Glad?"

"That you're finally out of the closet! Now we can talk about boys! So tell me, do you think Kurosaki-kun's butt is cuter or is Abarai-kun's butt cuter?"

"…"

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Ok, I know the ending totally sucks, but I have been sitting on this fic since forever and there's nothing new breeding in my brain. I apologise for it and promise a better chapter whenever it comes out next.

Please leave a review!


	6. Of Heroes, Villains and DIDs

Hey, I'm back! Just a couple of notes about this chapter.

I'm kind of doing a parody on eighteenth century and before character stereotypes for this chapter, so some of characters will act very out of character. All I can do is claim artistic license in a re-interpretation of _Bleach_ characters. I apologize profusely to readers who do not enjoy this interpretation or who do not get the joke (though I think most readers should be able to).

On that note, _Bleach_ does not belong to me.

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**Of Heroes, Villains and DIDs**

Kurosaki Ichigo, by most standards, was pretty much the standard hero. He was, first and foremost, extremely good-looking, with none of the adolescent awkwardness his age indicated he should have. No inconvenient outbreaks of pimples or long, gangly adolescent limbs were to be found on one Kurosaki Ichigo. Incomprehensively enough, his arms and legs bulged with muscles, and indeed, his torso looked like it was built to withstand natural disasters.

Following that, of course, was the presence of a tragic backdrop to one Kurosaki Ichigo. The death of his dearly beloved mother while protecting him had given him the urge to do the same to the various little girls surrounding him without giving him the image of a hormonal pedophile. Not to mention the forbidding frown and general aura of tragedy and darkness that followed him no matter where he went.

Added to such qualities the presence of hilarious sidekicks (i.e. Kon, Ishida, Chad etc), the presence of numerous potential love interests (i.e. Orihime, Rukia etc) and one very large sword (no hero in his right mind would ever walk around with a _puny_ sword) and you have Kurosaki Ichigo, the Hero.

Of course, if asked, Kurosaki Ichigo would deny violently that he was a hero of any sort. That was part of the hero-ness that surrounds Kurosaki Ichigo. How much less a hero he would be if he were to admit that he had a rather strong hero-complex!

However, given the circumstances, Kurosaki Ichigo was strongly inclined to admit the presence of said hero-complex, just so he had something to blame for his current predicament.

"Nell?"

"Faster! Faster! He's coming! Faster! Faster! Ohmygodwearegoingtodie! Faster! Faster!"

"Nell, stop pulling my hair…"

"He's coming! Run! Run! Hurry! Faster! Faster! Faster!"

Kurosaki Ichigo growled, pulled his infamously heroic frown and continued running.

The reason for said infamously heroic frown was that Nell, the infamously perverted arrancar was currently pulling his hair. The reason for said arrancar to pull said Kurosaki Ichigo's hair had to do with said arrancar sitting on said Kurosaki Ichigo's shoulders. And the reason for said arrancar's desire for said Kurosaki Ichigo to run faster was due to the presence of various hostile Hollows behind said Kurosaki Ichigo.

It is, of course, true that heroes when encountering enemies do not run. No, heroes would pull out their huge swords (_never_ tiny swords I say) and proceed to hack their enemies to death, regardless of the size, strength and numbers of the enemies encountered, following which they would emerge victorious and unscathed except, perhaps, for a strategically-located cut on the face that does nothing more than add to the menacing masculinity of the hero.

However, since Kurosaki Ichigo was still in the stages of denying his hero-hood, he felt justified in fleeing from his enemies.

Also, it is rather difficult to fight when a tiny arrancar is sitting on your shoulders and pulling your hair.

That being said, most heroes often encounter situations where damsel-in-distresses (DIDs) become a sort of handicap, if only because their sole purposes in life is to be either taken hostage by the evil villain or stand around and cry for help. Sometimes they burst into tragic tears or faint from shock, but those are really extensions of the second stated purpose in life of a DID. Nonetheless, despite the handicaps provided unwittingly by various types of DIDs, the hero will always emerge victorious in the end.

However, in this case, said DID was busy trying to pluck out said hero's hair. While bald men do hold a certain charm to some women, patches of baldness do not fit into any sort of beauty category in any society in any time or dimension.

So Kurosaki Ichigo ran – and cursed violently (and silently – heroes do not foul the ears of young ones, even if they are monsters).

"Nell… I swear, you've better stop pulling my hair or…"

"Itsygo's threatening me? Nell's such a poor thing! Not only must Nell run from scary rapacious monsters, Nell has to sit on a scary, crazy Shinigami who wants to cut Nell into little pieces! Nell is… Nell is…"

"Fine, fine. Sorry. Shut up will you?"

"What kind of an apology is that, Itsygo? That's a lousy apology. Hasn't your mother ever taught you any manners?"

In hindsight, the mention of one Kurosaki Ichigo's mother should have provided ample opportunities for a heart-wrenching flashback and much development of the hero's character. However, at present, said hero was too busy worrying about bald patches to have any sort of flashback.

The truth, Kurosaki Ichigo decided, was that this whole thing could be blamed on one Inoue Orihime. It is true that given her pleasant looks, ample bosom and self-sacrificial personality, there was no other road for her to take but that of the standard DID (and thus explaining her current imprisonment in Hueco Mundo). However, it could not be denied that the rescue of said DID was taking a lot of effort on the part of a lot of people.

First, there was the encounter with the weird sand monster. Then there was the humiliation of being saved by a girl (and a little girl at that). Following which was a weird, dancing arrancar (during which, fortunately, he had ample opportunity to protect the little girl-arrancar).

And now this – being chased by a huge group of Hollows as a little girl arrancar sat on his shoulders, pulled his hair, and accused him of various things unjustly.

And it was all Inoue Orihime's fault.

"Nell! I mean it! Stop pulling my hair!"

"If Itsygo would just run faster, Nell wouldn't have to pull on his hair at all. Faster! Faster!"

"Nell! Ow! Stop it d- you!"

"D-? What's that?"

"Children-friendly cursing. Now stop it or I swear I'll… I'll… spank you!"

"Wah! Itsygo wants to spank me! Itsygo's a rapacious monster!"

"I am _not_ a r… r… monster!"

"Itsygo's got a stutter. Heh, that's funny."

"Nell!"

And thus such friendly batter between Kurosaki Ichigo and his current DID/comic sidekick might have continued for a while had not, upon rounding a corner, Kurosaki Ichigo ran into someone.

As in the case of most encounters by heroes of people within enemy territory, it was not a pleasant one.

Ichimaru Gin blinked and stared at his now half-empty (or half-full) cup of tea.

Kurosaki Ichigo stared at the tea-soaked front of his _shihakusho_ and thought about laundry days (or rather, the lack of laundry days).

Nell Tu stared at said tea-soaked _shikakusho_ and laughed wildly.

And that, Kurosaki Ichigo decided grumpily, was also Inoue Orihime's fault.

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Ichimaru Gin blinked.

Nell Tu blinked.

Kurosaki Ichigo drew his sword and glared menacingly at said Ichimaru Gin.

"Well now," Ichimaru Gin said cheerfully. "This is most unusual. Fancy meeting you here, Kurosaki-kun!"

"Ichimaru Gin!" Kurosaki Ichigo growled heroically. "Where is Inoue? I know you have her!"

"Orihime-chan? In her room the last I heard of her," Ichimaru Gin replied in a tone reminiscent of the anti-thesis of hero-hood. "It's a good thing I was drinking my tea without sugar or milk. I heard that tea has plenty of anti-oxidants, so it should be good for your skin, which is a good thing given that you are currently soused with it. Think of it as free skin therapy, courtesy of Hueco Mundo. Don't say we only eat you!"

Kurosaki Ichigo blinked. "Huh?" he questioned eloquently.

"It's our new tag-line," Ichimaru Gin said proudly. "Hueco Mundo, being sadly deficient of most natural resources needed to bolster a growing economy has decided to turn to tourism as the means of financing Aizen-sama's world conquest."

Kurosaki Ichigo blinked again. Then for good measure, he let his jaw hang open as he uttered a second eloquent, "Huh?"

"There was a period of time Szayel was kind of certain he had struck oil about twenty miles from growl grunt howl howl howl, which would be The Tree Shaped like a Goblin's Nose," Ichimaru Gin went on conversationally as he leaned against the wall of the corridor. "But it turned out it wasn't quite oil. It was a Hollow that had taken the form of a large puddle of black liquid. Kaname had to go out and get rid of it. You should have seen him when he came back. He looked like he had just waded through giggle, smothered laughter, obscene gesture, which would be the Swamp as Stinky as Yami's shoes."

Feeling like his feelings weren't getting through to the traitor before him, Kurosaki Ichigo decided to go for a far more exaggerated version of his previous expression and a much louder, "Huh?" Behind him, the forgotten Hollows scratched their heads (or what passed for their heads) and shrugged in puzzlement.

Ichimaru Gin pulled a look of surprise on his face. "Did you not know?" he asked, transferring the look of surprise to the sound of surprise.

"Know what?" Kurosaki Ichigo snapped, fearing that he was being demoted to the Fool.

"Well, that Hueco Mundo is going commercial of course!" Ichimaru Gin exclaimed.

"Commercial?" Kurosaki Ichigo yelped.

"Commercial?" Nell pondered.

"Of course," Ichimaru Gin said patiently. "Hueco Mundo has always prided itself on being rather… well… counter-culture to say the least. You know… Soul Society and the Real World always work hand in hand. Shinigami go to the Real World, convert all the souls there to Soul Society citizens and so on. Hueco Mundo has always been the big bad one, the one where all the nasties go to live in. But, Aizen-sama decided to change that."

"Change that?" Kurosaki Ichigo asked, shocked.

"Sure. It's all great being counter-culture and everything, but Hueco Mundo's population was getting too big. All the big Hollow and Arrancar breathe in too much of the spirit particles in the air causing the Spirit Particle Level or SPL to drop far below the recommended level provided by the Hueco Mundo Healthcare Authorities (HMHA). That caused the death of many of the tiny Hollows that survive on those spirit particles," Ichimaru Gin explained, sipping at his rapidly cooling cup of tea. "So, we needed to find new places to search for food and living quarters for our Arrancar."

"What's that got to do with tourism?" Nell asked curiously. "Are you going to lure the tourists here and eat them up after you torture them?"

"Ha!" Kurosaki Ichigo exclaimed, grabbing on to the first piece of solid ground presented. "Like I will let you do that! I'll kill you before you eat any of those poor souls up!"

Ichimaru Gin blinked at them over the rim of his cup. "Of course we're not doing that," he said cheerfully. "We are still planning on taking over the world of course. It's just that it's far more urgent now, so we need to speed things up a little. To do that, we need money. On that note, I have to say I never thought clothing cost so much. Anyway, once our tourist industry gets going, we hope to boost our economy until it is strong enough for us to create a much larger army than we have now. _Then_ we go out and do all the killing and conquering and genocides and everything."

Kurosaki Ichigo pressed the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Whatever!" he shouted. "It just means you're still the enemy, right? So I'll just have to kill you and that's that, so… so in your face!"

"Well now, Kurosaki-kun! You can't kill us for building spas."

"Spas?" Kurosaki Ichigo's lower lip was threatening to quaver. He stomped out that impulse violently.

"Spas, theme parks, luxury hotels," Ichimaru Gin went on, ticking off his fingers. "Family-friendly entertainment, that is. Uh… for all the bachelors or spinsters, well, no worries! We provide gentlemen and ladies of negotiable affections."

Kurosaki Ichigo's jaw had by then hit the floor. "You can't be serious!" he snapped. "Where are you going to find your so-called "gentlemen and ladies of negotiable affections"? Oh wait… don't tell me… Inoue? You monster! She's only fifteen! How could you…"

"Whoa! Whoa! Hold it kid! We didn't do that to Orihime-chan! Geez, we aren't dumb you know? I mean, she thinks a hand-job involves nail-polish." The Hollows behind Kurosaki Ichigo leered and chuckled obligingly.

"Whatever!" Kurosaki Ichigo shrieked. "I don't care! I'm just here for Inoue! Hand her over and I'll get out of her! D- it!"

"Child-friendly cursing!" Ichimaru Gin cried cheerfully. "My, what a thoughtful young man! We could use you in our Family-Entertainment Development Committee! What say you?"

"I say die! I mean… d-!"

"Too late Itsygo, I already heard you."

"Sh-!"

"No?" Ichimaru Gin asked. "Well pity. I've got to go deliver the weekly SPL readings to Aizen-sama. See you around, Kurosaki-kun. Good luck in rescuing Orihime-chan." With a cheery grin, he disappeared.

Kurosaki Ichigo stared at the empty spot. Then he stared at Nell, who obligingly stared back.

"Let's just go, Nell."

"Ok, Itsygo."

"And you _did not_ hear me say 'd-', alright?"

"Oh alright. You're such a tight-ass, Itsygo."

"Nell!"

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Aizen Sousuke was currently lounging in a Jacuzzi. Admittedly, it was a rather hastily made one, and consisted mainly of a large hole dug into the floor of his bathroom into which hot water was ejected via a series of newly established pipes. The discovery of hot water in Hueco Mundo and the invention of pipes that were easily maintained in the sands, Aizen Sousuke decided, was the best thing that had happened to him since he had left Soul Society.

After all, armies could only march if they smelt nice. Being clean and smelling of lavender and rose was the way to keep morale up in the army, if Aizen Sousuke had any say in that (and he did because he _was_ the current Evil Dark Lord in Hueco Mundo). On that note, Aizen Sousuke emphatically added yet another two drops of rose essence into his bath and sank deeper into the calming hot water.

"Aizen-sama!"

"Yikes! Gin!"

"Sorry," Ichimaru Gin chirped unrepentantly.

"I just swallowed my bath water!"

"Sorry again," Ichimaru Gin chirped just as unrepentantly as the last time. "Here's your report on SPL."

"Fine. Why is it so thick? All I need to know is if it is normal or not! Does that merit a twenty thousand word report?"

"It's called bureaucracy, Aizen-sama," Ichimaru Gin chirped again. "On the positive note, at least you're _not_ the one writing the twenty thousand word report."

"Hmpf," Aizen Sousuke snorted in an eloquent display of his opinion on twenty thousand word reports. "Just give me a summary then. I can't be bothered to read everything."

"Can't, Aizen-sama. I haven't read it myself either." Ichimaru Gin grinned in a manner known more commonly as insolent.

"What? How is that possible? What is the use of being an Evil Dark Lord if I don't have people to read this kind of essential information for me? My job should just be to sit on a throne and smirk evilly, and occasionally utter a chilling threat or give a burst of wicked laughter! Evil Dark Lords do _not_ read twenty thousand word reports!"

"Fine by me," Ichimaru Gin said with a nonchalant shrug. "Kaname will do it. He loves paperwork, that man. Makes him feel useful, I suppose. Not a lot of bloodshed to be seen on the path of paperwork anyway, other then paper-cuts. Totally his cup of tea."

"Fine by me," Aizen Sousuke repeated, sinking back into the hot water. "Anything else, Gin?"

"Orihime-chan would like to point out that Yami might not be the best person to run the theme park. He has a tendency to eat… a lot, if you get what I mean."

"Oh? Well, she has a point. We don't want to get sued just because Yami ate a kid. Who does she recommend?"

"Grimmjaw, Aizen-sama."

"Grimmjaw? He doesn't strike me as the kind who is good with kids."

"Aizen-sama… none of your Arrancar was bred to be good with kids. Except maybe in reference to parsley, carrots and green peas."

"Yes, but there are some of a more… motherly inclination. Halibel? She's _shaped_ like a mother if nothing else."

"Yes Aizen-sama, but Halibel is not exactly very friendly and _nurturing _if you ask me so…"

"Ah, for heaven's sake!" Aizen Sousuke sat up abruptly in his comfortable bath. "I'm _enjoying_ myself, Gin! So stop disturbing me! Let that woman have her way! I care not! All I want in life as an Evil Dark Lord is to smirk evilly, laugh wickedly and just look cool and threatening, okay? Give me a break! It's tough work looking cool and threatening! The hair has to be _perfect_!"

"Okay," Ichimaru Gin said, shrugging nonchalantly again. "I get you, Aizen-sama. I'll go tell Grimmjaw about his new role."

"Good! Oh, and Gin…?"

"Yeah?"

"What happened to the cup of tea I told you to fetch?"

"Poured it over Kurosaki Ichigo's front."

"Well d- him and his hero complex, spoiling my plans as a dark lord again!"

"Aizen-sama, what does having a cup of tea have to do with being a dark lord?"

"… Mind your own business, minion."

"Yes, Aizen-sama."

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Oblivious to the tragedy (involving purple lizard mascot suits and a lot of helium balloons) in his near future, Grimmjaw stalked down the corridors of Las Noches looking decidedly menacing and anti-heroic.

It wasn't that Grimmjaw was of an anti-heroic complex. Rather, Grimmjaw always felt that he was quite a proper evil villain. There was the presence of his decidedly rebellious clothes that no hero would ever dream of wearing. Not to mention the unconventional tattoos beneath his eyes and his scary mask. Add to all that his aura of wild aggression and his propensity to beat up little girls and you have the standard evil villain

Grimmjaw gave a loud grunt of approval as he surveyed himself in a conveniently placed mirror. There was no villain like Grimmjaw in Hueco Mundo. Not even Ulquiorra managed to pull off an aura of villainy the way Grimmjaw did. Ulquiorra was too well-dressed, too _obedient_ to be a proper villain. Try as he might, not even his general demeanor of a severe lack of emotions and cold-bloodedness could make him as _proper_ a villain as Grimmjaw was.

With another loud grunt of approval, Grimmjaw rounded another corner, bathing in his general villainy – and bumped right into the current DID, Inoue Orihime.

"Grimmjaw-kun!" she cried, and a tiny part of Grimmjaw's soul died.

It wasn't that this girl was unpleasant or dislikable. There was just something about damsels-in-distress that made Grimmjaw twitch violently. Every time he saw a damsel, he felt the horrible temptation to distress her, and once she was distressed, he felt absolutely compelled to take her hostage or make her cry or scream or faint. Every part of his body, mind and soul rebelled when a damsel-in-distress smiled at him, called him "Grimmjaw-kun" and offered him home-baked cookies.

"Home-baked cookies, Grimmjaw-kun? They have spring onions in them!"

And another part of Grimmjaw's soul died.

"No!" Grimmjaw snarled, baring his fangs in proper villain style. "Get those disgusting things out of my face!"

"No?" Large eyes wobbled and started to drip. "You don't want my… cookies?"

"Well… yeah!"

The wobbliness spread to the full lips and perfect chin. "Not even a bite?"

"Well… yeah?"

The DID's ample bosom started to heave and her eyelashes started to flutter. She made soft moaning sounds and checked the ground behind her for potential hazards as she prepared to faint dramatically onto the floor.

"Oh fine!" Grimmjaw exclaimed irritatedly. After all, she was being so obliging, with her tragic tears and willingness to faint on cue. The least he could do was eat one of her cookies. "Give me a cookie before I change my mind!"

"Oh that's so kind of you, Grimmjaw-kun!" Inoue Orihime chirped happily, getting over her fainting spell miraculously and offering him a cookie. "Here's an extra big one for you!"

"Yeah…" Grimmjaw grumbled, taking a big bite of the cookie. "Whatev…" His eyes bulged dramatically. "What the…"

"Oh dear," Inoue Orihime said distressedly. "I must have put too much natto in it."

"Arg…uh… gawrk…" Grimmjaw choked just as distressedly.

"No worries! I came prepared for this! Here! Take a drink!"

"Thrnjk… What the f- is this?"

"Vanilla essence mixed with grounded black pepper?"

"Are you trying to kill me?"

"Of course not! I was trying to help you! See? You can talk coherently now, right?"

Grimmjaw gaped at her, eyes still bulging dramatically as his sore red lips hung open helplessly. "You stupid damsel in distress!" he screamed hysterically before promptly passing out on the floor.

"Oh dear," the damsel said, feeling truly distressed. "Grimmjaw-kun, are you alright? Oh dear… oh dear! Grimmjaw-kun! You are drooling! That's such a classical expression! Oh… are you still breathing by the way? Please remember to breathe! It's rather essential!"

"…" Grimmjaw didn't answered, because Grimmjaw couldn't speak while unconscious.

"It's okay! It's okay! I'll go look for help! I'm sure Ulquiorra-san will save you! Just stay here like a good boy!" With that, Inoue Orihime turned and fled in search for help for the unconscious villain.

"…" Grimmjaw _didn't_ reply (because Grimmjaw can't reply while he is unconscious), and another part of the villain's soul died.

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That was how fate found Kurosaki Ichigo. It came in a distressed bundle of long silky hair, wide tearing eyes, a majestically heaving bosom and a plate of suspicious looking cookies.

"Kurosaki-kun! Kurosaki-kun! Oh I'm so glad I've found you! Would you like a cookie? You have to save Grimmjaw-kun! He's not breathing properly! Don't take the vanilla essence though! I think I put too much black pepper in it!"

Kurosaki Ichigo blinked as his eyes and ears received several conflicting messages. In true hero-style, he decided to focus on the most relevant issue at hand. "Hey! You've gotten free somehow, Inoue!" he commented.

"Oh, that's not important at all!" Inoue Orihime exclaimed distressedly. "You have to save Grimmjaw-kun! He's dying!"

"Grimmjaw?" Kurosaki Ichigo asked suspiciously. "You mean like Grimmjaw Jaggerjack?"

"Oh, you mean you are already friends with Grimmjaw-kun? Great!"

"Why do I have to save him?" Kurosaki Ichigo muttered dourly, feeling the heroic rejection of saving any individual other than one with nice heaving bosoms and other relevant feminine body parts.

"Hurry!" Inoue Orihime cried, already dragging the poor hero by his arm down the corridor. "He's dying!"

Five minutes, many encounters with random arrancar and two corridors later found Kurosaki Ichigo staring down with distaste at the foaming, drooling supine form of one Grimmjaw Jaggerjack.

"Oh man, do I have to do this?" said Kurosaki Ichigo demanded.

"You have to save him!" Inoue Orihime cried. "He really is in a lot of distress!"

At the key word, Kurosaki Ichigo found his body immediately heading towards said supine form of said foaming and drooling Grimmjaw Jaggerjack. Now he had no choice but to save the distressed arrancar. Only his mind kept superimposing blonde curls and pink chiffon ball gowns on said distressed arrancar.

"Well, here goes," he said with a deep sigh of regret. "Nell!"

"Yes, Itsygo? I'm glad you talked to me. Even though your neglect of me has greatly fed my masochistic tendencies, I am very glad to be brought back into the limelight again."

"Vomit."

"Yes, Itsygo."

And Inoue Orihime cringed. "Is that really necessary, Kurosaki-kun?" she asked hesitantly.

"Oh don't ask me. Nell is the one who's doing the healing."

"That's right. I'm the one doing the healing."

"Oh okay… it's just that… oh dear…"

"Are you done yet Nell?"

"Just a little more, Itsygo. Brayak!"

"Oh no! Grimmjaw-kun's hair is starting to look very flat!"

"Don't complain. At least he wouldn't suffocate or anything."

"That's right Itsygo. It's better to have flat hair than to suffocate. Unless you are a masochist like me."

"Oh well… oh no! Kurosaki-kun! Grimmjaw-kun is starting to wake up! Quick! You must leave now!"

"What? Aren't you…?"

"Go! Go! Hurry! Hurry!"

"Oh fine… Nell!"

"Coming Itsygo."

"See you later Kurosaki-kun!"

"Uh… later, Inoue."

Inoue Orihime flopped down on her knees beside a stirring Grimmjaw and sighed happily. Crying in distress, fainting in distress, fleeing into the hero's arms for help and falling to her knees in relief at the conclusion of danger; all in the day's work of a damsel in distress.

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"Hey Grimmjaw!"

"Yeah? What are you looking at me like that for, Ichimaru-sama?"

"Just wondering why your hair is so flat. And why you smell like… gross."

"That woman almost killed me, and she had to grab some random arrancar to cure me. That's what she said at least. Some arrancar with healing abilities in her saliva."

"I see. But why didn't Orihime-chan just cure you herself instead of getting you drenched in drool?"

"…"

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Tada! I'm done yet again! I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review!


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